I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

6. Wooden you know it. KVWT monthly mumblings. 7th October 2013

Updated: May 11, 2018

From: "Boulter, Phil" <phil.boulter@adp.com> Sent: Monday, 7 October 2013, 21:09 Subject: Wooden you know it. KVWT monthly mumblings.


Hello Kennet Valley woodturning pals. I hope this finds you well and looking forward to the comfy nights when it is too dark to go into the garden and therefore we have no choice but to turn wood and make carefully designed shavings.


Sadly this means the cricket season is over, actually not a bad thing if you support Somerset – it’s nice to be put out of our misery.


So what has happened, and what is happening…


Nigel has once again produced a single sheet newsletter for us reminding us of what is occurring in October and November. Thank you Nigel.


So – no demonstrator in October – it is one of our members evenings, this month we are splitting into teams and doing a Mortar and Pestle.


November of course is different…


Do you remember how good July was – (despite Gary Rance) – well in November we have his father coming to see us – yes – Les Thorne. (Gary seemed sure Les was his father despite the obvious lack of a family likeness) Apparently Les tells Gary’s jokes properly. We shall see. To be fair it is always difficult to work out which one gives the best demonstration, Gary Rance gave a stunning demonstration in July, one of the best I have seen from Gary over the last few years. You may remember how Gary kept us in suspense until the very last minute before showing us how to get managed to get the three miniature glass galleons in full sail into the two interwoven wooden lattice balls that he had just turned from case-hardened balsa wood using only a round skew chisel and a sharpened egg whisk. I can’t wait to see what Les is going to give us to beat that!!


As I recall, Gary did take great pains to point out good Les was. He kept saying ‘was’ whereas I would have use the word ‘is’ but maybe that is just the school I went to – I nearly pointed that out but assumed Gary was making a mistake and didn’t want to embarrass him?


Meanwhile I know that Les is one of Gary’s fans. Again though I should say that grammar is not Les’s strong point either – I saw it in print expressed as “I am Gary’s one fan” – but again, an easy mistake to make.


Seriously – come and see Les Thorne for several reasons;


1. He is bloody good and always a good demonstrator

2. He never fails to teach us something

3. New members who have not seen him before will be able to see how a good demonstrator really performs

4. It is probably the best and cheapest place to get the DVD’s he sells. (I am hoping he has the new James Bond one)

5. Beginners will be able to join together and book lessons with him

6. I am hoping for a discount when I book mine! Anyone want to join me? I am aiming for the new year.

7. He has a nice web-site (http://www.noturningback.co.uk/ntbk/)

8. Gary Rance says he is good – and if Gary says someone if good it is the best recommendation I know of!


Enough.

What of the coming yule I hear you cry. We will of course be holding the normal club December evening gathering for members, probably with a quiz and splendid evening meal. This is all included in your membership and the only charge we make is for drinks (assuming you can get the bottle out of Tony’s claw-like grip). I would be very grateful if you could let me know if you are coming to the meal so that we know how many people to cater for. We got it slightly wrong last year and got too many happy meals which is a waste. To be clear – your membership covers you and your partner for the evening at no cost, apart from cheap drinks. It is a good evening and we laugh quite a lot – especially after a few glasses of the falling-over juice..


In other news – we are voting on a change to the club rules on Tuesday 8th October – a slight change to the competition rules which have been published on the notice board for the last few months. A copy is also included here.


*IMPORTANT*

Don’t forget the Thatcham festival of Arts. A full day event on the green in Thatcham town centre where we will be displaying some of the club’s best work, (and Harvey’s as well). We will be there all day doing turning demonstrations so that people will be able to see the likes of Ken, Tony and Harvey showing how woodturning is done, and Phil Boulter (yours truly) will show how easy it is to get it wrong and scare small children. It is a great day out and we welcome a visit from all members. Fingers crossed for the weather.


The October Saturday workshop will concentrate on turning Christmas things, decorations or toys. Dennis Winter has promised to show us how to turn a scalextric track. ?


So – in closing, I have contributions from several people…


From Bernie Maggs - A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.


-----------------------------

Harvey Grimwood always complains I never include anything he sends me, (I am saying nothing) You all know me as someone who loves and cares for my wife at all times and treats her as a queen. This is from Harvey;


MALE SENSITIVITY TRAINING *The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. * She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor.


"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag whilst we walk?"


Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.*

==========================================

…and finally from me


· My sex life is like a Ferrari… I don’t have a Ferrari

· I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding was. Just wait until he finds out how expensive his divorce will be!

· NASA’s robot curiosity has been on Mars for ages now and found no signs of Golf clubs, beer, ESPN or porn. Men are therefore not from Mars.

· I once won an argument with a woman….. in this dream I had.

· I’m writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it

· I tried exercise but I am allergic to it. After only a few minutes my skin flushed, my heart raced, I got all sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous

· When my wife gives me the silent treatment she thinks it is a punishment.

· If there was a way to read a woman’s mind I would not bother. I don’t like shoes, shopping, gossip and I already know I am annoying.

· Dear women who are beautiful, sexy, single and in love with me – please start existing!

· Men have feelings too, for example - I am hungry

· Whenever someone says “You look familiar, where have I seen you before” I like to say “Do you watch porn?”


Keep your tools sharp and pointing in the right direction, two hands and tool rest first!!!!!


See you soon.


Vice-chair

Kennet Valley Woodturners

phil.boulter@adp.com

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