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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

5. The Autumn leaves are turning - why don't you? 12th September 2013

Updated: May 10, 2018

From: Boulter, Phil (DSI) Sent: 12 September 2013 09:00 Subject: The autumn leaves are turning - why don't you?

Sorry – I am trying to make the subject relevant… Not so good this month – I will work on a better woodturning pun for next month.

So – here is the monthly drivel. I shan’t send it out this evening because I have only just got home, and in a minute it is time to go out again to our Tuesday meeting on 10th September. Where did this year go!

Sadly I think I have seen my last Cricket game this year – I went to Trent Bridge last night and saw Somerset get well and truly stuffed by Nottinghamshire. Bugger.

I would like to thank the odd person who is now sending me funny items to put into this missive, particularly Harvey. I must admit what he sends is quite funny, albeit slightly below the belt from time to time. Not as below the belt however is this news headline from the Midlands last week…

“Philip Milne, a 75 year old pensioner from Bedfordshire, has complained of being treated like a hardened criminal after being fined for shampooing his genitals on a bus.” – what is the world coming to – persecution I call it. Harvey was never fined.

Secondly – if you like ITV and watch the chase – there is a good clip to look at – and you get to see Bradley Walsh as close to tears as anyone I have ever seen on TV. It is all to do with the German Skier Fanny Chmelar.

Oh how I laughed.

Any road up – you will have seen a demonstration by the Woodturning Magazine diary writer Richard Findley by the time you read this. I am about to go there now – so I will let you know how good he was (in case you missed him) now…



OK – I am back. What a cracking good evening. I think that was one of the highlights of the club year for me. It certainly explains a lot of what happens for production turning, and who would think how involved it is to turn walking sticks. If you missed it and want to see it online then tough – we don’t video the demonstrators – you just have to make sure you get there! I will certainly speak to Ken and see if we can manage to book Richard again.

The competition was for platters – 8” for Novices and 10” for others. Both gents and ladies say that size does not matter – but you try telling that to 2 of the entrants this month – Pickfords were booked to bring the entries into the hall. A Great turnout.

Also in recent days we attended the Aldermaston and Wasing show – this is the quintessential English summer fete. It still amazes me that they go to all that trouble for something that runs from 2pm to 6pm!! My favourite events of the whole year.

It has everything - a lawn, a stream, a brass band, classic cars, a duck race, cakes made by the W.I. and a 65year old children’s entertainer with a beard looking oddly at children and asking them into his tent. (At least he didn’t have an Australian accent or wear a track suit.)

Once again we found ourselves taking pride of place at the top end of the craft tent watching all of the ladies laying out their cakes ready for judging (sorry chaps – not a single entry from the macho-sex). There was keen competition between Tony and Harvey to see who could outsell the other, both of them looking unconcerned – but quietly smiling like made to all and sundry and giving their “come-hither” looks to members of the fairer sex to try to attract a sale. I must have words….

As for me – I was hog-tied and forced to buy a vase from Harvey for my long suffering wife. It was made from the walnut tree that was taken away from the Watermill Theatre (I never did get a chance to get down there to get some of that wood), and to be fair it was beautifully turned by Harvey. I spoil that woman.

So – Saturday 28th September, our next gathering and we are looking at home-made jigs and fixtures. Something Richard Findley showed us in the extreme this week. If you have a jig that helps you to do something, to turn a ball, a pen, a vase, a platter. To remount and finish something, to hold something steady or to turn something odd, to drill something or to finish something, perhaps to sharpen a chisel. Bring it along on Saturday 28th and show us all so that we can benefit from your tips.

We will also do tool sharpening, and try to help any novices who are just starting to gain some turning experience for a few hours that afternoon as we normally do. I shall bring my new little lathe and on top of the three club lathes and any others that may be bought along we should be well served for a good afternoon. We will get to turn again at the October meeting because that is one of our Members evenings what we all get to play again. We will split into teams and make a pestle and mortar. Make sure you come along and join in because this is a good challenge and a chance to do both spindle turning and bowl turning in one evening. Again – we will have 4 lathes and the very least, and possibly more if we can arrange it with the good grace of a couple of members.

So – I need to do some work so I have better move toward a close. I am watching the weather and wondering whether it will be kind this weekend. Last month I said I had to go because I had to head to the bottom of the garden to see if I could find my greenhouse. I never did find it. I have now employed a gardener – (for the sake of this missive let us call him Mellors) - and he hasn’t found the greenhouse either. I’ll let him have a bit longer – and if we haven’t heard from him by the end of the week I’ll send out a search party. What the hell, if it rains I can go to the garage and make some shavings! J

So – to finish. Firstly a well seen list that someone sent me a while back but was reminded about during a conversation with another pilot the other day (yes I do have a pilots licence *blush*)

"Squawks" are problems noted by commercial and armed forces pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (complaint) (S) = Solution (reply)

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.

(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm


(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.

(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

(S) #2 propeller seepage normal #1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.

(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.

(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Target Radar hums.

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

Love it, and finally.

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man:

"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. But then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said:

"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

See you on Saturday 28th – or next month on 8th October.

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