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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

4. It's turned out nice again 3rd August 2013

Updated: Apr 4, 2018

From: Boulter, Phil (DSI) Sent: 03 August 2013 08:43 To: Subject: It's turned out nice again

Hello turners. I trust you are all well and fighting fit.

A new toy – the lathe arrived a couple of weeks ago – if you were at the last Saturday workshop you would have seen it. Have a look here…

I turned a couple of bits on Saturday, and with it’s half horsepower motor I found it quite powerful enough for me and really good fun to use. Happy chap!

So what has happened? I enjoyed last month’s demo from Gary Rance – he is always good fun, although did admit that he was not getting the normal level of banter or ‘abuse’ from the floor. Come back Derek Prout – all is forgiven! Thanks Gary for a good evening. I forgot to stand up and ask everyone to sing happy birthday to Ken – he was 80 the other week. I know – he doesn’t look it. If I get that old I want to look as good as Ken. He is all the more impressive because I know how much work he does for the club, and you – the members. Without denigrating the other members of the committee or our other helpers in any way, I am really in awe of the generous amount of time and effort Ken puts into making sure we get the most out of the club – happy 80th birthday you old bugger.

It is early on Saturday morning. I have been a week or more trying to get round to writing this, but life takes over and stuff happens. Claire’s mum has been in hospital and we were going up and down to Bath every other night. Claire obviously wanted to see her as often as possible, and I wanted to make sure she didn’t find her way out.

Just joking – she is a lovely old lady and not having the best of times. It is important to see people as often as you can when you have a relative in hospital and keep them in touch with the outside world and let them know you care. Hopefully someone will do the same for me when I am old and knackered, although it is fair to say that on the off-chance that it is sooner rather than later can I just mention that I like green grapes – not black, also forget newspapers – not interested, but a good crossword book would be appreciated, and those little cartons of juice (the orange ones) – they are great once they have been injected with a little syringe full of Gordons Gin.

Where was I – oh yes, early Saturday. I am off to Newbury to pay for my holiday, we are not going until November but we had a letter from the travel firm asking for payment before they go broke, so I should oblige really. Apparently if I pay early there is a better-than-even chance that the hotel will have been built by the time we get there.

I am looking forward to seeing John Johnson in a couple of weeks. (13th August) I have not seen John before so can’t really tell you much about him, he does have a website – but I can’t say that it gives much of a clue as to what we can expect on 13th August.

Also on the 13th don’t forget the competition is for a lidded pot, I am really hopeful that the entry is good this month. Turning a lidded pot is good fun, and I think it can encourage turners to push their skills in all sorts of ways in order to get a half decent result. I will hopefully try to find the time to make something to enter myself. (I might also think of changing that last sentence – it sounds a little odd!!)

We still have a couple of members (soon to be ex-members?) who did not pay for their membership this year – please let me know if there is a problem.

A busy time coming up. I have to try to find the greenhouse this weekend. I know it’s at the bottom of the garden somewhere – it’s just that I can’t see it. I work full time, watch cricket at the weekend (and in the week if I can get away with it) and the garden suffers. I have now resorted to getting someone round to rescue the garden, he’s called David and is due on Tuesday, I have not met him yet but he does the gardening for a friend of mine. Trouble is I want to tidy the garden up a bit before he comes round to tell me how much he will charge to tidy the garden up a bit! Claire doesn’t understand my logic. Actually I am not sure I do now either.

So, Newbury first – pay for the holiday, then round to see Ian, he has just got some more of that Indian Rose-wood from work, and I am going to nick some and put it with the growing pile of other wood that I will only ever use if I live to be 124 years of age. Do we all have a pile of wood like that? I am going to cut a few bits up to see if I can make a little lidded pot for this month, and also perhaps get some to make a small platter for next month’s competition.

The next 2 weeks are manic as usual. After gardening this weekend I have a busy Monday at work, then visiting in Bath on Monday evening. Tuesday sees half a day at work and half a day at the Oval watching Somerset play Surrey in the T20 ¼ finals. Wednesday to Southampton, and Thursday morning in Hungerford, then drive to Durham for the first day of the 4th Test on Friday before coming back down on Friday night so I can do a summer fete in Bath with my new lathe on Saturday. Sunday I collapse before going to Cardiff to see Somerset play Glamorgan on Monday, Cambridge to see customers on Tuesday, Tiverton on business in Devon on Wednesday and see Somerset play Yorkshire on Thursday. Friday is pretty normal if I last that long! Did I mention – I don’t get a lot of gardening done!

Like I said last month or the month before – if anyone tells me that since they have retired they are busier than they have ever been, then I’m afraid they are asking for a slap. I am looking forward to retirement, I need a few lay-ins.

I have had so much blood taken over the last few weeks I think I might not make it to 65. I’m sure my arm must be empty by now? I do suffer a little from high blood pressure (I am married – who wouldn’t), and every now and again I have to get checked out. They are now also checking me for kidney function, cholesterol levels, thyroid function, diabetes, memory loss and something else that I can’t remember. I went to see the doctor yesterday to get the results.

I sat down in the surgery and he said the tests were not too bad, but I should enrol in a lifestyle course they are running to help me avoid becoming diabetic. He looked at his screen (he was ticking off various things) and then asked me if I exercise, he then turned round and looked at me. We both had a laugh and moved to the next question…

Must close for now – I have attached the latest newsletter from Nigel – thank you Nigel for this.

Up until today this would have been funny. Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when the Ashes skippers tossed the coin Thursday? Cook called correctly and said to Michael Clarke: ''You lads can bat.'' Clarke replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Camberley but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bloke and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair.

A stark naked, drunken woman jumped into a vacant taxi at a rank. The Scottish driver was immediately beside himself and just kept staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. “What's wrong with you, Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?" "Och I'll not be staring at you, lady, but this is not proper, not where I come from".

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me, Luvvie, what are you doing?" "Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where are you keeping money to pay me with?"

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

"Being an Australian Cricket supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

Kind Regards

Phil Boulter Vice Chairman

Kennet Valley Woodturners.

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