Updated: Sep 29, 2018
It’s been a struggle. I had a busy weekend trying to get things sorted out at home in time to drive up north again on Sunday afternoon. Yes – I am back up here.
Chesterfield, home of the 10 reasons to stay in Chesterfield – yes – that Chesterfield. I was bored this evening, and having already eaten my tasty pie and chips (there was a wide choice – I could have Pie, Pie and Chips, or just chips) I wondered whether there was something to entertain me for a couple of hours so I went to the interweb and typed in “Things to do in Chesterfield”
I was rewarded by the promise of not just one – but 10 things to do while in this wonderful [their adjective not mine] town of Chesterfield.
I could not help but look with interest at the article – looking possibly for a little excitement or culture while staying in this dim and distant land. It can’t be all bad – can it?
I’m moist with anticipation. Here are the ten things in the article, and importantly they are in order…
1. The famous crooked spire of the Church of St Mary and All Saints. [OK – so you’ve got both a church, and a crooked spire – thereby proving that Chesterfieldites are god-fearing people, who can’t build a church.]
2. Golden Guidance. The Tourist information centre has two gold awards for being polite to visitors. [I wonder if the word “Wow” is to bold here, or should I seek an alternative superlative. No? OK lets move on to more exciting things, there must be something in Chesterfield?]
3. CURIOUS AND CURIOUSER the best spire has a 45 percent twist and a 9 foot 5 inch lean claims the guide to the top ten best things about chesterfield. [Surely though – this was number 1 as well? Have they run out of things already? Let’s bat on in the hope of something exciting.]
4. The star attraction of the Chesterfield Museum is a 20ft-diameter windlass (it’s a treadmill) used by the builders who constructed the medieval church. [OK – it’s that bloody church again. Surely we have other things to gawp at?]
5. The 546-seater Pomegranate is a Grade II-listed Victorian theatre, described as a ‘cracking little venue’ it has its own full programme of shows and events, from stand-up comedy to September’s Spirefest. [I wonder if you can work out which fecking Spire they are talking about here?]
6. Housing a range of indoor specialist shops, Chesterfield’s Victorian Market Hall is open on Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday, plus half-day on Wednesday. [OK – No mention of a church here then, so perhaps we are heading once more in the right direction, they have a Market. (Not exactly Las Vegas is it?) Here’s hoping number 7 is going to tease me a little…]
7. DERBYSHIRE’S CHESTER - In addition to its market, Chesterfield has an enormous range of independent retail outlets and national chain stores. The town-centre shops are supplemented by a large Tesco store on the northern side of the town. [Is it me or have they skimped just a little on the Marketing budget? Number 7 is basically not only that we have shops – but we also have a Tesco’s!!]
8. SPORT FOR ALL Queen’s Park, opened in 1887 to commemorate Queen Victoria’s Golden Jubilee, has a boating lake [Wow], miniature railway [Golly gosh] and play area [I saw it – one swing and it is broken] . In true Victorian tradition, a brass band often plays in the bandstand on Sundays. Chesterfield FC, known as the ‘Spireites’ [here we go – that bloody Crooked Spire again!!!!] and riding high at the top of League Two. [Not any more they’re not, I just checked and they rank 7th in the Conference Premier – which technically is not in the football league – Spire or not!!] – I bet you can’t wait for number bloody nine!!
9. The Tapton Lock Visitor Centre, situated near the Tesco roundabout and open daily, is a reminder of the great age of canals. [OK – firstly there’s that boast about Tesco’s again, but not only that – read on dear reader and we find that…] Two days before it was due for demolition, it was saved by the Deltic Preservation Society. [ A popular little attraction then, proven by the fact that it was nearly demolished!!]
10. They save the best till last, here we go; “Five of the finest stately homes in England are located within ten miles of Chesterfield”. [Not “in” Chesterfield – but they are a few miles away. Let’s count the number of stately homes that are “in” Chesterfield. Ready… steady… Go!!! Have you finished – did you get the correct answer – yes I bet you did. NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]
Perhaps I should see if we have any customers near Southend….
My Boss James lives a few miles down the road. He is not here at the moment because he is holidaying in France with some of his family. (I say some because his wife Joe was left at home doing the chores) Apparently she goes out next week, then James comes back to the UK. I now know why – he is missing 10 of the very best reasons to NOT go to France – and so he is probably going to go to Chestefield.
She really should have a girls name – I must have words.