I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

3. Britains got Turners 31 May 2013

From: Boulter, Phil (DSI) Sent: 31 May 2013 15:07 To: Boulter, Phil (DSI) <phil.boulter@adp.com> Subject: Britains got Turners

Evening all.

Nigel has done another newsletter thank you Nigel.


Lots of good stuff coming up, and some good stuff has already happened, sort of. We did the Berkshire County Fayre last weekend, it was held in a field in Burghfield on Sunday – in the sunshine no less!! Although we didn’t sell much, there were a lot of visitors and perhaps we will get a few new members?


Personally I had a great time and met some very nice people. We made good use of the spinning tops we made at the last Saturday workshop – thank you for those if you made some. A big public thanks to the team who gave up their Sunday to show us off, Mike Larby, Harvey Grimwood, Tony Harvey and of course Ken Saxton – our *very* hard working chairman.


We have John Sherwood coming to see us on June 11th. John is very experienced and well worth watching – I am looking forward to it.


Keep your eyes on the notice board by the way – particularly if you are in the market for a lathe or some tools. I believe we have one person selling both. On top of that – we also have some equipment and wood coming up for sale from the late David Wooldridge who some of you may recall passed away about this time last year.

On another front – we are looking to consolidate purchases from Axminster Power Tools. They will offer a 10% discount on anything from the green woodturning section of their catalogue of purchased through us. I know there are a couple of members looking to buy lathes – (and so am I) so there is a saving to be made. Exact details of how we transact this purchase will be agreed with the members – (we cannot offer any sort of credit) but this should not pose a problem. Talk to me or Tony Harvey if you want to buy anything from Axminster.


It’s been the normal hectic stuff at work, albeit mostly local. I say mostly, as some of you know I am a Somerset supporter (mostly because of Claire). Last week I had to go to see a customer in Horsham in Sussex. It was not a bad meeting, despite awful traffic on the way there. My problem was that after the meeting I had to drive to Rochdale near Manchester for a meeting the following morning, so I was keen to get away as quickly as possible. I did – imagine my luck – I got away at 12.30. I had been in the car for 20 minutes, listening to the test match on the radio and they started to give out the county scores. Somerset were playing Sussex at Horsham!!!! Bum. Had I realised I could have gone to watch and driven to Manchester in the evening. Then they gave the score – Somerset all out for 76… I kept driving .... :-(


I saw an old pal at the weekend – Sid the Newt. (yes he drinks a lot) Sid is full of advice for life – he told me marriage was like a pack of cards. You start off with 2 hearts and a diamond, and after a few years you wish you have a club and a spade!


Like I said – Sid drinks a lot, after a night of far too much drink, Sid woke up to find himself next to a woman wearing curlers, face cream and a large wart on her nose. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


I asked Sid where he had been recently, he told me he had been in prison for murder for killing a man with sandpaper, he said he only intended to rough him up a bit.


Sid’s son came home from school and excitedly told him that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. Sid told him , "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."


He was explaining to his wife the other day that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. Sid said “you’re obviously not listening”.


I’ve been doing research recently, apparently after years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat - that's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: Time to change supplier I think.


I woke up in bed last night and thought I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, I was petrified…..


Claire has been missing a week now. Police told me to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Looking forward to Sunday – my daughter has a new job working for a company that do upmarket retirement homes. 2 days into the job and her boss asked she if she likes cricket, and would she like 2 freebie tickets to the England v New Zealand International on Sunday. She doesn’t go for cricket – but she remembered her old dad!!! I am already packing my lunch ready for Sunday!!


Must dash – they are coming out after lunch for the second innings….

p.s. – a quiz for you.

THIS MAY BE A "Little" DIFFICULT FOR ALL WHO ARE OVER 60 .THOSE YOUNGER THAN THIS WILL HAVE NO HOPE AT ALL.

DEMENTIA QUIZ

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~



ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....? (SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?


THIRD QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT.


TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT.

NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 ..

NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10.


WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ???

2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!


OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.

NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

The brain cells are definitely dying.

Don’t thank me – it’s a service I offer.

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