I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

83 - KVWT - It's a jolly holiday

Hello my dusty friends.


Very quick this month as I am very busy.


So is it possible that we are coming out of this nightmare - or are we headed for a different kind of Indian summer which will get us locked down again? Will we see hordes of bloodthirsty zombies wandering down the road looking for a supermarket that still has toilet rolls and pasta in stock? (I still have no idea why this is required and how toilet paper cures Covid-19?)


We have recently had a wonderful get-together in the car park at Padworth and were able to see and talk to our friends in person as opposed to online. This was such a nice morning, and even the weather was kind to us and allowed us to gather unfettered by rain or excessive wind (speak for yourself I hear you say). It was rather novel to see a jumble sale being assembled while we met? It takes all sorts. It was good see lots of people stocking up on wood and being able to purchase a few things from the shop as well. What we don’t really know is what the next few weeks have in store for us. If the rise in cases we are starting to see keeps on going it could be that restrictions will not be lifted and once again we will have to resort to not being able to get together indoors again just yet - that would be a disaster and create just more frustration. It is really annoying to say the very least.


I guess we should look on the optimistic side of things, 75% of adults in the UK have had at least one vaccination, so there has to be a level of protection that will stop us having the high number of illness and casualties we saw last winter. Fingers crossed - lets just hope for the best.


Of course it’s not all sunshine. Do any of you know the best way to get rid of a migraine - not sure if any of you suffer. I asked this recently on social media, got all the standard rubbish answers. I do ask around a lot to see what cures it because it is difficult. The best one recently was "Two paracetamol and a w*nk". Bloody hell - you won’t believe this - it worked!


So thank you Boots the Chemists for that great suggestion.


I have had a busy month, I did see a few of you at the racecourse when you came in for your first or second jabs. It is quite funny to see the sort of people who come through at odd times.

“Good morning - what time is your appointment?”

“It’s at quarter past eleven”

“OK - it’s five past eight and we are not open yet?”

“I know - I was not sure if there would be traffic!”

“Where are you from?”

“Thatcham!”

“That’s under 2 miles down the road”

“There’s often road-works”

It is as these times you have to consider that some people are just like slinky’s, Do you remember slinky’s from the 1970’s? They are pretty much no good for anything at all but they can put a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


Hannah’s Talk

I hope (those that joined us) enjoyed listening to Hannah McKeand a few weeks back, telling us all about her exploits in the Antarctic. There was some great chat and quite a lot of very amazing pictures. I was gutted that we couldn’t record it to watch again later - but hopefully those that caught it were able to enjoy it as much as I did. As well as that there was the online demo from Nick Agar, now living in America. This was a joint venture with the Berkshire Club and proved every bit as good as we expected. His camera work was every bit as good as his turning.


June Demo

Berkshire Woodturners have also organised our June demo. It will take place on Tuesday June 16 @ 7:45 pm - 10:30 pm The evening will be a demonstration by Andrew Daniels from Australia, who specialises in power carving and texturing techniques. The demo will start at 8pm (this is quite late because it translates to 6am at his workshop in New South Wales - down under). It must be said that while he joins from New South Wales - I will be on a short break on North West Wales - about 20 miles from


Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (thank god that’s not the WiFi code) So I won’t be able to join you on that evening, but I firmly believe this chap if going to blow your socks off with what he can do.

I have actually been to Anglesea once for work purposes.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch I stopped for lunch and asked the waitress:

“Before I order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for me. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”


New Camera(s)

You will recall we were starting to suffer with failures with our camera gear at the club. This week (Wednesday) we are going to see Martin Saban-Smith to see if he can advise us on what to get as replacements. Wish us luck as we try to understand the technology.


Holiday Time

It has to be said that going somewhere for work purposes, and going to the same place for a holiday are normally two different things. That said, the railway station at (let’s call it gogogogh) is not one of the modern marvels that our great British railway organisation is famous for. Sadly it does not have the might and majesty of St Pancras, nor does it rank with Paddington as masterpieces of Victorian engineering. Nor does it hold a candle to Norwich Railway station with its cathedral enclave entrance, built in 1886 by the in-house team of John Wilson as engineer and William Ashbee as architect. Ashbee’s facade at Norwich is spectacular, a shotgun marriage of French nobleman to Russian princess – part Loire, part Hermitage. The four central bays rise over a massive porte cochère to a first floor of pilasters and window pediments. The building has a convex domed roof covered in scaled tiles of zinc. A central cupola is fronted by a clock within a pediment, guarded by four tall chimney stacks and a parapet with ornamental urns.


On the other hand - “Norwich” doesn’t as many letters as “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch” so I shall go there instead and take pictures.


Assuming the Welsh let me back out (I must ask Martin “Boyo” Evans for the password) I will return to Blighty in time for the next Saturday workshop. I will stop on the way and visit my sister. She is now living in Wales - we couldn’t stop her, odd woman. I remember once when I was younger she advised me not to watch Bambi without a box of tissues handy - you can imagine my disappointment.


I shall return from my break in time for the Saturday workshop


Saturday Workshop

June workshop will be Saturday 26th June - we await details of whether it will be indoors or outdoors - but we will be there, and we will let you know before hand.


July meeting

Early days - but certainly we have planned an indoor members evening, so no demonstrator - but we will have the lathes out and be turning something. I know we get really good demonstrators at the club - but I especially like members evenings when we get to play, and I often get asked “Where do you get your lack of talent?” I am looking forward to seeing our newer members being properly introduced to us and getting a chance for some of us to give them some basic tuition.


In closing!

Much to do before the end of the week, and running out of time already


Also it is not long now until my wedding anniversary. It has been a few years, I’ll always remember the bride’s father looking at my new wife and saying that it only seemed like yesterday that he saw her wake up in the morning in her little bed laying next to her dummy. Yesterday morning she told me how strange it is how her life has gone full circle.


That will do for now, management has given me lots of things to do before we go on holiday and I am keen to keep earning brownie points. Symptom-Ian is coming on holiday with us, he will be on his motorbike, and I have permission to put mine on a trailer and take it with us. Symptom-Ian loves his motorbike - he says it's great for getting to the front of queues quicker. It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.


Before I go, there is a chance I am going to lose my driving licence and all just because of a stupid policeman...


The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi, or a Ford?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "So, you're drunk."

Me: "But I didn't drink anything."

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Me: "A motorcycle."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki, or a Harley?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter-question.

Me: "So..., counter-question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes, and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer: "A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife, or your mother?"


Things went downhill from there…


Phil Boulter

Vice Chairman

Kennet Valley Woodturners

www.kvwt.co.uk

kennetvalleyturners@btinternet.com

phil.boulter@ntlworld.com

M:07836 274345

H: 01635 826009


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