I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

77 - A joint Kennet Valley/Covid production

I have checked – and a maximum of 6 people can read this email at any one time.


So, what does this month bring to my Kennet Valley Woodturning friends. Keep reading is all I can say.


This is an email full of sexual tension, mystery, romance, suspension, horror and delight.

It is laden with intrigue and is delivered with all the gentle grace and sweet beauty of a Bavarian milking song. It will caress your senses with the tenderness reserved for things such as a pound of tripe hitting a concrete slab from 600 feet.


I digress.


Here we go then. Much has happened this month. (that’s a lie – bugger all has happened really but if I said that then you wouldn’t keep reading so I won’t let on)


  1. Les and the Skew

  2. Saturday workshop

  3. Richard Findlay

  4. Wood with Joy

  5. Ramblings


Les and the Skew

While it is possible in these troubled times – you will remember that I asked how many of you were interested in spending a day with Les Thorne and being trained exclusively on the use of the skew. Although not the best in the UK in use of the skew – I put Les in the top 2 – being bettered only by Steve Jones who is recognised as the master.


Let me know if you are interested in the training. He will take a maximum of 5 people per class and now that he and Martin have their training school functional is happy to take bookings.


Saturday workshop

This is important. We were due to meet this Saturday at Tadley for a Saturday workshop get-together. Now that we have new rules and we cannot get more than 6 people together inside or out, we have sadly had to take the decision to cancel this month. There are several reasons for this;

  • We cannot guarantee we will not get more than 6 people standing together

  • Trying to make “bookings” for people to turn up at a specific time is not manageable

  • If we end up in trouble the fines are large – and not only that, the village hall will also be in trouble because of us.

  • We want to literally live to fight another day.

If you are short of anything you need to shop for, then by all means talk to Ray Brindley who is happy to have you go round to his house and pick up any items you need. Also – we can purchase items at a discount from woodturningshop.com – just let me know (I can collect the items and bring them to you – so no delivery charges either).

Richard Findlay

This month we have a slight departure for our on-line demonstrator. Our normal monthly meeting is the second Tuesday of the month, and someone on our list of demonstrators to book is Richard Findlay. As some of you may know – Richard writes for the Woodturning Magazine.

Chestnut products have decided to book Ricard and have him doing a completely free public demonstration, and as luck would have it – they are doing it on Tuesday 13th October – which is our club night. Therefore we have decided to take advantage of being able to see the demonstrator we want to see for free by tuning in online.


Wood with Joy

Joy Percy still has some wood for sale, let me know if you need wood and I will put you in touch with her. There are a couple of cut blanks, but the rest of it is nice wood in thick boards which needs to meet Mr Bandsaw to be turned into blanks.


What’s to become of us

We have not met properly for some months now – and the restrictions which are both applied thorough legal channels and those which we choose to follow for health reasons, seem to show little sign of ending.


I have said it before, who among us would like to sit in a crowded village hall all evening watching a demonstrator – no matter how good, and stand the risk of catching the wrong end of a sneeze!


It is for that reason that we have to work for the time being as an on-line club. Sure – we can visit each other on a one-to-one basis (at least for the moment) but that does not help us to maintain the comradery and banter we so enjoy when we meet in person.


Some you “don’t do online” which frankly is a shame. It is your choice of course – but sitting on your own sofa, sipping on a thoughtful dry sherry/scotch/G&T/Beer/Cider actually has a lot going for it.


Some of you may actually enjoy it. Let me cite the example of one of our members who (and he won’t mind me mentioning it) is a real convert. Tony Harvey is not a computer junkie, he does not spend a lot of time in front of a PC, but he has started to enjoy the online version of what we do. We can get to watch and talk to people we would never see at the club – they respond as if we are in the same room (even if they are American and can’t quite understand the accent) and it is good fun. If you have not joined in on any of the online demonstrations, then please try it. As mentioned above – Richard Findlay on 13th October – and we have Martin Saban-Smith in November.


December – we have the Christmas party of course – but this time the quiz will be online, and you have to bring your own hat. More on this subject next month.


Ramblings


I have an itchy foot. I checked the list of symptoms for Corona-19 and it’s not listed, so I guess I don’t need to self-isolate.


I shall finish this month with some normal rubbish. Let’s start with a few senior citizens chat-up lines.


Senior Citizens chat up lines

  • Oh, I see your glass is empty...do you mind if I put my teeth in?

  • I say baby, let's lock Zimmer frames and rattle till we drop!

  • Hello...Who am I??

  • No, that's a war wound!

  • Fancy a Horlicks?

  • How's your back?

  • Is that your colostomy bag, or are you just pleased to see me?

  • Your place or back to the sheltered accommodation?

  • I could take you to a hip joint!

  • I want to put my tongue in your ear - take your deaf-aid out!

  • I want to run my fingers through your hair, so pass it over.

  • How about I take you home and show you my medicine cabinet!

  • My teeth and I no longer sleep together, but you and I definitely should.

  • Ever done it in a Craftmatic adjustable bed?

  • Are those your tits in your socks or are you just happy to see me?

  • As soon as I get my hip replacement, I'm going to hump you.

  • I got a pill I could take back at my place, if you could tell me where my place is.

  • Do I come here often


I should mention that I went to the doctors last week for a “man-check-up” - what an experience!

I went into the doctors surgery, he said get undressed and lay face down on the table, so I did. Then he moved my left leg to the side. Then I heard the snap of the rubber glove, and he came at me with a finger.


What do you say on these occasions?


Anyway he did what he had to do down there, and then he told me to get dressed, and he walked out. While I was getting dressed again the nurse walked in and said "Who was that?"


It’s a rotten season, and a rotten year – I had to go to a funeral of an old schoolmate last week. I have to admit though I like a good funeral, you get something to eat, something to drink, and you don't have to take a present.


I was trying to just check something on my phone when I saw the widow. I said to her - have you got the Wi-Fi Code.


She looked at me and said “you inappropriate bastard”. I said - is that all in lower case?


Well, with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake... So I had better send this out so that you all get to know about Saturday - remember - it’s cancelled!



Phil Boulter

Vice Chairman

Kennet Valley Woodturners

www.kvwt.co.uk

phil.boulter@ntlworld.com

M:07836 274345

H: 01635 826009


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