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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

7. To everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn... 2nd January 2014

Updated: May 9, 2018

From: Boulter, Phil (DSI) Sent: 02 January 2014 22:51 To: Boulter, Phil (DSI) <> Subject: To everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn...

The email ‘pun’ titles are getting harder to think up, good job I am something of a genius.

Hello my wood-turning buddies. Seasons greeting and all that. I trust this email finds you all fighting fit and looking forward to a few days off, unless you are already retired of course – in which case you will only notice the fact that the post office is shut and the queues in the shops are longer. (Unless you are Harvey Grimwood, in which case your staff will tell you the queues are longer and your cook will complain about the lack of fresh wild salmon on the shelves).

So – what is happening? We have had the club’s annual get together, and I think we all had a good time – I certainly did. Thank you to everyone who arranged it, you know who you are – the food was excellent as ever, but I hope our illustrious chef will understand if I say that the company made it the success that it was. Tables full of people having a good time makes it a good night!

I should say that I started typing this just before the Christmas break, then I was given a rush project for a new customer – and never did get it done! Shame on me. Anyway – let’s get it finished now and sent out, hopefully either this evening or first thing in the morning.

So what has the last year brought us – and what does the coming year hold?

Firstly – a grand year of good demos, good association with good friends and lots of things learned. It will be said again over the next few months – but much of that is due to the hard work of the committee members headed up by flying officer Ken Saxton. I know we pay membership – but I do think it is a good night out – seeing a professional wood-turner (often make something surprising) and mix with friendly people, along with a cup of tea/coffee and an almost out of date biscuit. All for £2. Bargain!!!!

OK – no more KVWT adverts. I am getting ready to come out a week next Tuesday and see John Aitken (see ). If you have a bowler hat then bring it along – why should he be the only one! So hopefully we will see you on Tuesday 14th January for what should be a very good eveneing. Following that, on Saturday 25th January we are having a pen turning day – along with a swap shop of turning items for those interested. Ken can tell you more about this on Tuesday 14th.

While typing I am watching the Aussie version of the T20 cricket competition. They all seem to be getting very excited – and there is some brightness because a couple of English players are doing quite well. Better than the test team players anyway L I am about to turn over and watch the fifth and final test match, the last chance for the English (aka South Africa second XI) to show that they are not totally washed up like Kevin Peitersen is.

I finally made half of my sisters long promised salt and pepper grinder set (I used some very nice Olive wood) – it is her Christmas present for 2011. What a bugger that was – I used a shaftless crush grind mechanism which requires meticulous measurements to be made – and it is very unforgiving. Being a bit of a bodger when it comes to fine measurements – I got lucky with the first one – the challenge now is to make the second one. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Her indoors new steam iron has just arrived – I’ve always said it – I spoil that woman. I waited until the new year sales and saved a fortune as well. Double whammy! I know I did the right thing because when it arrived she was speechless!

While writing – and I know that strictly speaking we are in the new year, I thought you may enjoy the following phrases that was sent to me last week. They are perfectly acceptable – but only at this time of the year…

To warm the winter nights, I have stolen a list from the internet of things you can only say around Christmas without a court case or a black eye:

1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! (Granny’s coming?) 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in? 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

I think that almost says it all….

There is one final word though this month. As some of you may be aware – the AGM has almost come around again and will fall on February 11th this year. Can I please ask all of you to look at how the club is run and consider how you could help by becoming a committee member this year. Personally I think it is a rewarding thing to do, and I believe it is a good chance to get even more out of your club membership. It does sadden me slightly when we ask for new committee members, or helpers, each year and very often find that people are unable to put their hands up for various reasons. Very often this is shyness, and very often it is because they believe that it will take all of their free time. This is not the case. I will not lie – we do have committee members who are very generous with their time, but this is not obligatory.

What I will say is that these things are made easier if we have a good selection of committee members to share the load. I urge you all, please consider sparing a little time - 2 hours once a month to attend a meeting nd shape the future of our club – because we deserve it! J

Here endeth the sermon, no further questions, your witness M’lud.

…and here is the and finally….

The secret to a long life...


A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

See you all of the 14th January!

Never take life seriously.. Nobody gets out alive anyway...


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