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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

47 Phil Boulter - KVWT (Retired)

OK play-mates I am nothing if not magnanamous (adjective UK ​ /mæɡˈnæn.ɪ.məs/ US ​ /mæɡˈnæn.ə.məs/ formal - from the Italian word for Super-sexy). People (frankly most of them were at the wood-turning club - what with the fact that most of you are extrememly old) told me that when I retired I would be so busy that I would wonder how I ever managed to work. I have a couple of responses to that. a. Most of my ex-colleagues at my last company also wonder how I ever managed to work b. Most of my customers wonder the same thing c. I have actually been very busy this week d. I have nothing planned for next week ergo - I did actually have time to work - so leave it!!!!! I say "nothing planned for next week"... There is the clinic on Monday (don't ask - but I keep taking the orange juice). We are meeting on Tuesday evening (see below) and I have visitors on Wednesday, I have to do my motor-cycle CBT test on Thursday and the Gas man on Friday - nothing much. Already I digress. What have we this month? 1. This month's demonstrator - Kevin Hutson 2. What do I do now with my blog? 3. Saturday workshop 4. Thatcham Festival of Arts 5. Halloween 6. First week of retirement Sad news to open with, my grief councillor died last week, luckily he was so good I didn't really care. 1. Tuesday 9th October - this month's demonstrator - Kevin Hutson So this month we get a new turner in our midst, Kevin Hutson. Obviously I looked Kevin up on the interweb, I will keep you guessing and let you discover what Kevin really looks like when you first see him on Tuesday next week! Kevin has a speciality - which is apparent on his website - and frankly his items look fantastic. Kevin has experimented over the years, having turned conventional shapes for a period of time he found the need to advance towards more aesthetic shapes. As Kevin says, "I now blend subtle tones of colour to emphasis the variety of grain found in wood. Each piece is finished by a process of a mixture of natural oils such as Danish Oil and Liquid Paraffin over a period of three days." That may be so, but frankly it is the shapes - I love the shapes. Kevin has had many exhibitions of his work, and supplies more than a few galleries. His work with shapes give an aesthetic we don't see very often, and he certainly gives a different meaning to the option of making something that is not simply round and brown - something which is normally very much a Martin Saban-Smith characteristic, but this time taken in a different direction. I can't wait to get my creative juices flowing with what I firmly believe will be a good evening on Kevin's company

2. What do I do now with my blog The world is changing - at least in my eyes. The opportunity I have to widen my horizons (as many of you will know, even though I hardly mention it) is upon me, and therefore this email will undergo a change I think. My adventures in and around the UK as a working man being forced to go up north - or down to Kent, Norwich, Cardiff, Plymouth and other points of national disgrace are over - replaced now by the same confused person going places in pursuit of pleasure. It is still early days, in fact after only 4 days I find myself having looked for a Motorbike on Monday, haircut, lunch and dinner with good friends on Tuesday, another lunch with lovely people - then Theatre (a matinee) and dinner by the beach with two lovely ladies on Wednesday, seeing Martin Saban-Smith to decide on a vaccuum check today - as well as some gardening, and booking my motorcycle training today, and off to Wales tomorrow. What the hell am I going to write about? One minute I have rich vein of material due to the regional diversity (big words huh!) of the people I have to work with, next I am cast out and have to make my own stuff up with my first week of retirement being an empty shell of almost zero activity. It could be that my blogs will either change - or morph into something different. I shall discuss that on my blog perhaps? The reader of this irregular email may not want to hear the ramblings of a retired fool. The reader of this missive may only want to embrace the comments relative to woodturning, or to Kennet Valley Woodturners. Alternatively, some idiots may want the alternative ramblings. What is a chap to do? An example in point - this is a blog from last Saturday... 46 - Saturday here we come

So WTF do I do now? Friday afternoon (yesterday) and women were all over me, (nothing new there obviously ) and today I find myself opening presents and cards and having a few extra minutes on my hands - why? I'll tell you why - because I don't have to hoover the car until Monday, the haircut can wait until Tuesday and perhaps go and see my mate Martin Saban-Smith on Thursday (assuming I get up in time)

My alarm clock is now on E-bay and my blue shirts and white shirts bagged up ready for the charity shop.

I might have a nap in a minute.

...or a cup of tea and a biscuit.

I am up to page 15 in a book called "Small Pleasures" Zoe bought me as a gift yesterday. No - it is not smutty (which frankly is very unlike Zoe) but full of the small incidental things that we overlook, but which are in fact small pleasures. Thank you Zoe.

After dinner with friends on Thursday, and listening to tales from the very lovely Mi - hang on a minute - lets call her "M" for the sake of this story, I am thinking of investing in a window cleaners ladder. Apparently if you try hard enough, and wait long enough, and rub the corner of the window busily enough a lady will throw open the curtains and "accidentally" drop her towel to the floor. In this example, sadly she is too far away from the duvet to grab it and cover up her ample embarrassments, and besides - why rush things? (I am pretty sure that is how 'M' explained it as it happened this morning.)

I am not good at windows though.

However - it seems that Sven, her landscape gardener ....

[ed. Stop here!!!] Lets us examine the word landscape, lets spend a moment or two chewing on a thoughtful nail, or sucking on a pensive pencil, and appreciate the word "Landscape". I am drawn to the idea of sweeping vistas. I am led to imagine hills and valleys, beautiful waterfalls or carefully tended lawns which meander between wild flowers and neat rows of annual flowers. Do you have that vision now? Can you picture the scene in your inner mind dear reader? - good, so now consider M's "New-build" house - with a garden that could be covered and protected by the worst frost that nature can throw at it by a large gentleman's pocket handkerchief. (and "M" is not dismissive of a well endowed gentlemen if you catch my drift). Now lets go back to the previous phrase - do you remember - "M" has a landscape gardener! A decent sized garden is for men of course, so why does she get Sven to come round and attend to her lady-garden? Is it because of her massive escarpments (ooh err Mrs!) Perhaps her well trimmed bush? An attractive Clematis?

..or could it be the topless Landscape Gardener - Sven, stripped to the waist, sweating and tending over 4 square feet of artificial lawn?

I am starting to wonder if "M" is not averse to meeting a new man.

Why, otherwise, would she go the local garage to see if that nice mechanical-chap can pump up her tyres. (again.... Like he did yesterday)

Is that the reason that, having been stuck on the M5, stationary, for too long waiting for the motorway to re-open, she ended up chatting to the man in the nice new Range Rover behind her. An hour and a half she chatted - even though it only took 30 minutes to open the Motorway.

No - I am being too suspicious...

and in case you are wondering - I had a biscuit - and a nap No mention of woodturning there then!! I stand the chance of disappointing people. On which subject - yesterday a lady asked me for sex and I had to disappoint her - we had sex. To be fair I am trying to learn how to be more thoughtful and caring. I bought a DVD on how to be a more sensitive lover and how to improve foreplay technique, it was really good. (I had to fast forward through the boring bit at the beginning.) Am I digressing? 3. Saturday workshop An exciting Saturday workshop this month, (and not a window cleaner in sight!) - we have a session on colouring with Lynn Courtney and Mick Hanbury. I may also be doing some Christmas decorations? This month we meet on Saturday 27th October - remember it is between 10am and 1pm. Last month we did OK with a bit of tool sharpening and a few yo-yo's Technically mine was more of a "Yo" than it was a "Yo-yo" - but I live in hope for the competition. 4. Thatcham Festival of Arts In the middle of our club evening on 9th October and the Saturday workshop on 27th October we have the Thatcham Festival of Arts. As usual this is on the green at Thatcham, and we are keeping our fingers crossed for some good weather. We will announce details on Tuesday 9th - but also keep an eye out for an email if we need help. Our continued support for this annual event was partly responsible for us being lucky enough to secure an invite to the Newbury Show this year - so it is important to continue to support it. 'll be honest it is a grand day out - so well worth doing. If you can't come on Tuesday evening, ring me if yo have anything to show or sell. 5. Halloween It'll soon be that time again, little sods. Bang on the door - shout about trick or treat and expect free sweets. Little sods. I shall do my usual thing, I have a large orange bucket and a sign. The sign says "Please help yourself - but when they are all gone - they are gone!!" I place the sign in the bucket with two old sweet wrappers and have a peaceful evening. 6. First week of retirement Well, as I said above - it has been a tad busy. I will be honest - it doesn’t' seem like I am retired yet - it just seems like I have had a week off work and faffed around a bit. I guess it is going to change - but week 1 is almost over. It would seem that my new horizons will involve a motorbike of some sort, nothing flashy - nothing too big, I don't want to die from a dalliance with a mid-life crisis. This is not easy-rider. No - something calm, but OK to run around town and save using the car too much. So Monday afternoon was bike hunting. I think I have found one - we shall see. While Tuesday was more social, lunch with good friends and more friends round to dinner in the evening - it was at least at a slow pace. Wednesday was a grand day out in Poole. It was going to be a foursome, but my mate Ian was unwell, so I escorted two lovely ladies out to lunch, then to the theatre, then out for a meal overlooking a sunset lit beach in the evening. I cold grow accustomed to this lark, what a lucky so & so. Today - Thursday - down to see Martin Saban-Smith to try out his vacuum check. I now have the same big lathe as Martin and before investing in the vacuum chuck I wanted to check it out. A good day - and I saw some new products Martin is releasing for Christmas - but I can't tell you what is involved!! Exciting. (I also booked him for next year while I was there) Wales tomorrow, my sister is having a Ornamental Plum Tree knocked down and I wanted to be there with an empty boot - which I will. So that is week one. Week two will be calmer with Tuesday as the monthly meeting, Thursday as my motorbike CBT day, but the rest of the week split between de-cluttering and woodturning. Bring it on. There is other stuff, but that will come later.... One more thing - my email address is now - please don't use the old one!! Phil Boulter Vice-Chairman Kennet Valley Woodturners if you want the blog - or can't sleep +44 (0)1635 826009 +44 (0)7836 274345

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