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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

32 - September 2017 KVWT Do it again

Sent: Monday, September 04, 2017 11:03 PM

Subject: Kennet Valley Woodturners do it again

Pay attention everyone – I am in a rush. Lots to do and not a lot of time – I’ve got to pack.

You lot keep complaining I don’t ring, I don’t write – and here’s me going out to work to pay a decent pension for most of you rotten lot!

Some of us still have to work for a living, including Phil Jones - poor chap has to drive hundreds of miles to come and see you all next week, on what may well be a cold and un-hospitable September evening and try to keep us happy. I hope someone makes him a cup of tea and gives him a biscuit.

That’s a clue – I will not be there again next week. Not in Wigan this time however – I am finally going on holiday. Only two weeks, (remember – I work for a living so can’t stay away too long) and I won’t even be back in time for the Saturday workshop which makes me a little sad.

So – what do we have…

1. Swallowfield Show

2. Phil Jones – a man – a legend.

3. Saturday workshop & new Web-site

4. Thatcham Festival of Arts and Leisure

5. Dib Dib Dib

6. Demonstrators for next year.

7. Christmas – oh dear!!

8. October

Swallowfield Show

Thank you – thank you very much to the wonderful people who gave freely of their time to help out over the bank holiday weekend to represent the club at the Swallowfield show. It was a long two days – getting there early to setup on Sunday, and the show not closing until 6pm, and then the same on Sunday. To be fair we had good weather – but that only made the fact that we were inside a very hot tent so much harder to bear. I think that if we are honest we were hoping to sell a lot more than we did, however this was slightly mitigated by the interest we had in possible new members. Being inside a craft tent was not the best place to make shavings and dust, and it was not until day 2 when we got the lathe into a vacant spot outside the tent that we managed to do some turning.

Again thank you to the people who turned out to help us, I was very happy to see so many people giving their time to help the club, what a good membership we have. Some of you were even sober.

I still say I pulled. The two ladies on the craft display opposite us on day one were a bit taken with me. They clearly know male-totty when they see it, and I had to “make my excuses and leave” as they say in the newspapers. It was not so much that they embarrassed me, nor was it the innuendo - I can handle that. It wasn’t the secret smiles or the knowing winks, no – it was the fact that neither of them was a day under 75 and I was scared sh*tless that they may have got hold of me before I had a chance to get away. That said – I have to wonder, is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes

So – do we do it again next year or not? Hard to say. It may not be the time of year to get people willing to spend money on crafts. The kids (or grandkids) are on holiday and demanding money for holidays toys and more ice-cream. Perhaps Christmas markets are more of our thing? (as long as those two women are not there!!)

How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb, and one two, one two, one two….

Phil Jones – a man – a legend.

Phil Jones is a really great woodturner, is young, good looking, very popular and is called Phil. I am not one to draw similarities to myself, but let’s face it, a lot of what he has reminds me of me.

OK – we have the same name.

Not all the name.

Only the first part.

…but we spell it the same.

I giggled Phil on the interweb of course, and here is what I found.

Lots of pictures of some idiot in a red shirt. Apart from that I ended up confused as two of them were woodturners, and both of them are wearing glasses? Anyhow – you will find Phil Jones website here. I have to say Phil is the first person I have heard of who makes “Isolation feet”. Look at it on his web-site! I am really disappointed that I will not be there to see Phil – I was looking forward so much to both meeting him and seeing his demo. Phil did come and see us very early in 2016 (March) and was a great success. I know you will all make him welcome, so make sure you enjoy it and tell me all about it when I get back.

Saturday workshop

The next Saturday workshop id 23rd September. That is the day I fly back into the UK and the chances of me dashing to Padworth Village hall that morning are remote. In fact – you have more chance of seeing Lord Lucan riding Shergar on This is Your Life than you have of seeing me that morning. So, what are we doing at the net Saturday workshop I hear you cry? Buggered if I know! It will probably be something wonderful and creative.

Of course what you could do is have a look at the new KVWT web-site and see what is happening. Frankly it won’t do you any good because the web-site also does not know the theme for the next Saturday workshop either. Maybe we should ask Siri? Thank you Denis for sorting out the new Web-site by the way. We had to amend and renew it because the company hosting our old web=site are closing down. Actually the thanks go to Denis’ daughter Agnes. (that’s not her real name – I don’t know her real name – so I will guess at Agnes)

So – Agnes – we salute you. Thank you for showing Denis how to put a decent web-site together. On that subject – can I please ask you to “accept cookies” when you visit the site in order to get the best from it. I don’t know what it does, but you have to do it otherwise your hard disk will turn green and drop off apparently, or the screen will go dark and then display pictures of Terry Buckle dressed up as a soldier. On that subject - here is a picture of Terry with his combat canoe, a little known secret weapon with 40lb of high explosive packed into the tip of the canoe, which Terry would have to paddle directly at an enemy U-boat (while it was surfaced) and as long as he hit it head-on the resulting explosion would be sure to sink it. The locality of Terry to the source of the explosion probably explains the nappy they made him wear?

Thatcham Festival of Arts and Leisure

So soon! This is due on Saturday the 7th October. Once again we would like some assistance on the stand – I am sure we will do fairly well and this is close enough to Christmas that people feel the need to start buying presents. Christmas!! Did you know there are only 15 Saturdays left to do the Christmas shopping this year! I will buy nothing as usual apart from something for my first grandson. I shall probably buy him a stick. I had a stick when I was young.

Dib Dib Dib

On the 9th October yours truly will be doing a demonstration for the local cub-scouts in Newbury. I am not too sure what I will be doing yet – but I am damned sure I want a badge for doing it. If any of you have any idea what I could make for a troop of cub scouts then please let me know. I could do a woggle I suppose, or one of those things you use for getting girl-guides out of horses hooves? Let me know if you can think of something suitable. Why am I doing it? Well, I was asked. It has nothing to do with the scout leader who is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde. How big is *your* woggle?

Demonstrators for next year

It is a little late but we need to consider demonstrators for next year. I am checking and putting a list together – but any suggestions from the membership would be gratefully received. Have a think and email me if you have any suggestions. We are always open to the return of our favourites, but also need to see new demonstrators as well.

Say what you like about deaf people…..

Christmas – Oh Dear

Not too far away funnily enough, we have September, October and November to get out of the way and then have our annual Xmas party on 12th December. Make a note in your diary, don’t miss it. Remember it is a good evening to bring your partners along to. We will have a meal, some fun, and it is all free.


Despite not knowing what is happening at the September Saturday workshop – I do know we are having a pretty big “do” at the October one. Saturday 28th October – keep the whole day free and we will update you in due course.

Sorry but that is it, I need to crack on. I am off on holiday in a couple of days. Denver, Colorado. The Rockies, Yellowstone park, Monument Valley, Salt Lake flats, Little Big horn, Boulder, Cheyenne and McDonalds. Wish me luck.

Did I mention my dejas vous joke?

I was at an ATM machine the other day and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

One final thing, please remember this. You can never lose a *homing pigeon*. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you have lost is a pigeon.

And one more final thing.

I just washed my mouth out with soap and water. It tasted f***ing awful, but I think it worked.

See you in a few weeks time – enjoy Phil Jones – he will be very very good….

Phil Boulter

Vice Chairman

Kennet Valley Woodturning Club

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