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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

27 - Jan 2017 - KVWT News about Trump

Sent: 19 January 2017 19:07 Subject: KVWT - News about Trump

Sorry - Trumpton – that should have said Trumpton. I got mixed up because I was going to talk about a ridiculous unrealistic character who could only possibly appeal to people in a childish way and could never be taken seriously.

Hang on a minute though?


It’s me again and we need to talk. We have just about finished our 2016/17 year and about to start a new 2017/18 year and we have business.

· Martin Saban Smith

· UKIWS 2017

· Gary Rance

· The AGM

· Next month

· The next Saturday workshop


Martin Saban Smith

Firstly a thank you to Martin Saban-Smith for a grand demo on 10th Jan – Martin was not only adventurous, but also presented with a relaxed demeanour (which we will soon knock out of him when we get him back again). Martin did say he was going to do something different – and he was true to his word. I found it a really interesting and surprising evening with the wide range of topics we discussed – and we have already agreed that we will ask Martin to return once his takeover of the world wide intertube is complete and he rules the world.

Thanks by the way also to Martin for his gift to the club of some pots of Hampshire Sheen which we will make available at every Saturday workshop for people to try !

News also from Mike Allen has decided to take up acupuncture to help him give up smoking. Apparently a little Chinese bloke is going to stick pins in all of this cigarettes.

UKIWS 2017

Martin did mention the 2017 UK & Ireland Woodturning Symposium, due to be held in Coventry on 15th and 16th July. The committee are investigating hiring a mini-bus and organising a club day out if we can get enough members – please see Mike, Phil or any other committee member to express interest and we will sort it out. Should be a fun day out. The spiel on the Web-site shows the following;

Entry to the purely woodturning event,

· At least 5 Public Demonstrations by well-known UK and Ireland turners both professional and some well-known ‘social media’ turners,

· Master Class from the professional demonstrators (ticketed separately)

· Access to the trade area of the show’Up Close and Personal’ talks/workshops focussing on more intricate aspects of turning. E.g. Pyrography, metal leafing, piercing etc (exact disciplines to be confirmed)

· A crowd of like-minded woodturners, many you may know from social media

· Friendly atmosphere

· Plenty of advice available from pros and trade stands

· Discounted room rates at the hotel

· Free parking at the hotel on the day/s you attend.

Gary Rance

The Skew-meister himself. Yes – he is back!!! Gary is due to see us on 14th March. Apparently the police dropped all charges and it is as if nothing ever happened. Kylie Minogue was not available for comment – but it is doubtful she will ever mention it again now that the restraining order is in place. Also the tortoise has been introduced back into the wild so the less said about that the better. I did look Gary up in the inter-tube again today – try it yourself on Google – you could not make this up.

Gary told me he went to the shops last weekend, he went into a shop and asked for a nice bunch of Roses for his wife. The lady shopkeeper looked at gary oddly and said “But this is a circumcision clinic?” Gary looked back and said “But you have flowers in the window!” – The lady said “What do you suggest we put in the window?”

I know what you are saying – but we had Les Thorne (his stepfather from a brief and very stormy marriage to Delia Smith) last year and the rules clearly say we have to have Gary Rance back to correct everything that Les previously told us otherwise things will simply get out of hand. Also my wife is not pandering after Gary like she is for Les Thorne – I still think he has her hypnotised. Les and Gary are stars of the show, and easily the most fun we have with demonstrators during our year. Gary in particular is one of the most skilled demonstrators on the southern England circuit – with a reputation of making the evenings more interesting and fun than anyone else you will ever see. (at this point Gary’s handwriting became too hard to read so we will leave it there)

I am not sure what Gary will show us this time – what I do know is that it will be good, entertaining and one of the best demo’s of the year (bound to be as we don’t have Les this year).

Denis and Tony

Denis and Tony – our elderly (retired but very busy) double act – were out at the Safari park last week. Denis – being slightly provocative – threw a large rock at one of the lions. He was obviously a very good shot because he hit the lion right between the eyes. The beast was very upset – Denis jumped up and said to Tony “That Lion is really angry at the rock I threw, I suggest you get out of here and run as fast as you can.!” Tony looked at him and said “Why should I ? *you* threw the bloody rock”

The Annual General Meeting

February 14th is the evening you would normally take your loved one for an expensive romantic meal for 2 at an overcrowded Bistro with warm wine, cold entrée’s and an overpriced red rose being sold from table to table by some spotty YTS youth. (I have already told my wife that Les is busy)

We can save you from all of that – come to the AGM instead and be excited and enthralled by voting for the poor unlucky saps who look after you all year to get them to do it all over again. (plus other highlights).

I say this every year I know – but it is important to attend, we do value the input from the floor during the open Q&A session and there are items we need to discuss.

We still need to consider new blood for the committee. We are on the lookout for someone to take over the shop from Nigel and he has been doing it for a long time now and could do with a break. We would appreciate someone standing up and taking on the role of club photographer (no nudes please), and any help that can be given to help run the monthly competition would be very gratefully received by John Austin our very own six million dollar man (in loose change).

We would also like to discuss ideas for a group project (remember the skittle set we made and sold last year) – we have already done a chess set – so put your thinking caps on.

We will also announce the full calendar for next year showing who and what we have coming up for you during 2017.

What does the club do for you? The committee, along with the wonderful others who help us out in so many valuable ways with door duties, librarian, new member welcoming, making tea and coffee for every meeting, looking after video and audio, the web-site, the shop, the raffle…. We love and are in great debt to the people who do these things every month – but feel free to join in, the club is for us all, and it the same people keep doing this year after year it become slightly unfair – even though you do not hear these people complaining of course – probably because they know I still have the photo’s.

Please come along, show your support to these people, and to your fellow members. Selling job done.

Derek Moate

Some of the member will remember Derek Moate – Derek is in his 90’s now and has pretty much stopped woodturning, although we do see him at a Saturday workshop from time to time – and he is a very welcome visitor. It was a bit of a shock when, six months ago, he told me he was getting married to a 24 year old ex-model. While I congratulated him, and said how happy I was. I did make a small suggestion, I said perhaps given the age difference – and the fact that your new wife needs to be happy in “so many ways”, you should think about getting a lodger – and I winked at him in a knowing way. Derek looked at me and thought for a moment and said – perhaps you are right.

I saw Derek again last Thursday in Sainsbury’s. I asked him about how he was, and how was his young Bride? “All good “ he said “She is three months pregnant”

“Wow” I said – and then “and so how is the lodger?” – “Oh the lodger…” – Derek looked sheepish – “She’s pregnant too”

Next Saturday Workshop = 28th January

Fruit – we are doing fruit. Whether it be apples, pears, bananas, blackberries, hazelnuts, or a tinned fruit cocktail. If you want to we can paint them as well, but that might be a bit tight on timing. It is also more fun that going shopping.

Don’t forget to bring your tools along if you want them sharpened.

And finally

I saw Anne the other day, a long standing friend of mine – and I know she lost her husband Ian the other day. He died suddenly. I asked what happened. “It was a total surprise” she said “He went to the bottom of the Garden to cut a cabbage so we could have it for dinner. Suddenly he clutched his chest and toppled over backwards and fell onto the row of cabbages”.

“How Awful” I said – what on earth did you do then” – She said – I had to open a tin of peas”

See you on the 28th for the Saturday workshop

Phil Boulter

Vice Chairman

Kennet Valley Woodturning Club

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