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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

21 - Aug 2015 Australian bats for Sale - hardly used

From: Boulter, Phil (DSI) Sent: 10 August 2015 08:17 Subject: Australian bats for sale - hardly used. (Kennet Valley Wood-turners could make better use of them!)

Hello my wood-turning chums. Another while has passed – and it is time for more drivel. Kennet Valley Wood turners are raring to go, our monthly Tuesday meeting is upon us and there is much to talk about.

Before we begin – don’t forget the meeting is this week!!

I have a list….

Les Thorne, Screw, Spinning, Robin, Aldermaston & Wasing show, Robert, Stuart, Monthly competition, Competitions, lighting and layout and a Moth. If that little list does not get you hooked – then I don’t know what else to do.

First – the obvious Australian joke….

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk sergeant said : "Can I help you madam??"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."

"Where did it happen ??" the Sergeant asked.-

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened ??"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, dropped his pants to his knees and had his evil way with me."

"Could you give me a description of him ??"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian test cricketer."

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent ??"

"No", she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long.

OK – that’s got that one out of the way.


Let us being by saying a belated thanks to Les Thorne who stood in for us last month at very short notice. Roughly 8 hours as it happens. As some of you may be aware, poor Robert Bishop had an accident and damaged his back, making him unable to fulfil his booking at our last monthly meeting. Robert very kindly made some phone calls, and as a result Les Thorne – and old friend of the club agreed to come out that same evening and gave us all a very entertaining evening of woodturning which I know everyone enjoyed – seriously the man is a star for helping us turn a disaster into a really great evening. Les never fails to entertain and educate, and last month was no different – he even told a joke. So – thank you Les. We are also due to see Les in 2016, something I am also looking forward to. Lest we forget, Les Thorne is proud of the fact that he never does the same demonstration twice, and I understand that to prepare for next year, Les is shortly going to see Gary Rance to ask him to teach him to turn something else. (I typed Les Thorne’s name into the interweb to get a picture of him, I didn’t know he had a dog?)


Tuesday evening sees us having a members evening, and that gives everyone a chance to join one of the teams and turn something for judging before my team are voted the best (it’s traditional – what can I say). The theme for the members evening is fruit , and that means that we would like to show you how to use your screw chucks, so if you have a screw chuck – bring it with you!!

Spinning tops

We are only a couple of weeks away from the Aldermaston & Wasing show, and not too far away from the Thatcham Show, it is normal for us to give away small spinning tops to the local kids who visit our stand, and we are running short (short of tops – not kids). Can we therefore ask you to have a mad half hour with any scrap wood you have and turn us a few spinning tops, any shape of design will suffice. They are good fun, can be quite attractive and good to practice on (again I am talking about the spinning tops). I am also up for a challenge, having wiped the floor with Harvey Grimwood last year by turning a functional top inside 45 seconds. If anyone wants to take me on and see if they can turn a presentable and working spinning top faster than that – then step up!! I am still convinced Harvey let me win. We will be turning spinning tops (among other things) at our Saturday workshop on 22nd August and again, come and challenge me if you think you are fast enough!!

While I think of it, I should also welcome Robin Percy back to this email group, I understand he is out on parole now. He was serving 5 years for telling bad jokes. Some of you may know that Robin is my illegitimate father, and he made his presence more than obvious when we visited Axminster Power tools in Basingstoke a few months ago. (We have asked Axminster to increase security at the door ready for next year.)

Saturday 5th September

The Aldermaston & Wasing show is nearly upon us and I seriously recommend you come along and see us there on the day. It really is the quintessential British Summer Village Fete and well worth a visit. It is one of two events I really do look forward to each and every year, (my wife knows about the other one) do come along and find out why this show is such a good shout. Additionally, if you would like to offer your help – it will of course be very much appreciated.

Stuart Mortimer

It has been announced of course – but have you paid attention and got your tickets yet? Stuart Mortimer is known all over the UK as well as overseas (I understand he is huge on the Isle of Wight). Stuart has agreed to spend all day with us on Saturday 26th September, and if you are a member it will only cost you £5 to come and see him. ALL DAY - only a fiver. Not only do you get out of shopping, but you get the whole day watching Stuart Mortimer. The committee are too good for you – far too good.

Seriously – *if* there are any tickets left we will sell them on the door on the day – but if you turn up without a ticket then access will not cost a mere £5 – tickets will be much more expensive, and non-members will pay even more. You have been warned – please see Nigel in the shop on Tuesday or miss out!!

I am hoping to be there, although it could be touch and go as I have been poorly-sick. I rang the doctor the other day for an appointment,. “I’m sorry,” the receptionist told me, “we can’t fit you in for at least three weeks.” “But I could be dead by then!” I told her. Quick as a flash, she said “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

Monthly Competition

Lest we forget, the monthly competition this month is off-centre turning (Editors note: that is *deliberately* off centre Terry Buckle). I know for a fact that a new member Nick Thomas will be entering – he has posted his entry on Facebook!! Don’t forget to join our little group if you feel so inclined. Just click here… The KVWT face book group was one year old last Friday, and despite modest membership it does get some good posts if you discount mine. That said – the video I posted last week to demonstrate what noise a tortilla would make if you put it on a record player was quite revealing.

Lighting and layout

A quickie. How was it for you? We turned things around last month and had a fresh outlook on how we present the demonstrator and had all the chairs facing 90 degrees to the normal set-up. We also had a new light to help the demonstrator and us to see what is happening. Some feedback would be good, what did you think of it? Do feel free to let us know, we are keen to get as much feedback as possible so the know whether to persevere.

OK – last on the list, as promised, the moth joke.

A moth goes into the chiropodist. (Yes – a moth!)

Moth: “Hi – can you help me?”

Chiropodist : “Hello – well I hope so – what can I do for you?”

Moth: “I don’t know where to begin…. I’ve just been made redundant, sacked from a job I hate, by a boss I despised, but which was the only way I could earn any sort of living wage, and now I’m destitute”

Chiropodist : “Oh, well I’m sorry to hear that, although I’m not altogether sure I can…”

Moth: “..and then there’s my wife!”

Chiropodist : “Your wife?”

Moth: “Yes – she ran away with my best friend, she left me a note – they have run away together and she’s not coming back!”

Chiropodist : “That’s awful, I can see you are very upset – but…”

Moth: “…and then there’s my daughter!”

Chiropodist : “Your daughter?”

Moth: “She’s on the game. She spends her evenings selling her body, she has no morals and brings shame to our family, how can I face anyone anymore?”

Chiropodist : “Oh? Well I am sorry to hear about that but I’m just a little confused, you see I am a chiropodist and….”

Moth: “My son as well..”

Chiropodist : “Your son?”

Moth: “He has just been arrested for bank robbery, and this time they are going to throw away the key. He will be an old man by the time he gets out. How can I show my face – I am so upset – and so very depressed – he used to be such a good little caterpillar”

Chiropodist : “I bet you are depressed, but you see I am a chirop…”

Moth: “The depression if getting worse, my friends told me to go and see a psychiatrist”

Chiropodist : “Yes – you should – I agree, but why me – I’m a chiropodist – why did you come and see me?”

Moth: “Well….. Your light was on”

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I am here all week….

And finally….


Bugger ...

I've forgotten what it was....

Kind regards

Vice Chairman

Kennet Valley Wood Turners

07836 274345

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