I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

2. KVWT - Oh no - not him again. 14th May 2013

Updated: Mar 30, 2018

What is going on?

Read the drivel, then see the picture at the bottom, it will make more sense.


Another month has flown by and we are no closer to finding out about life the universe and everything. As I sit and write this I know we have Greg Moreton coming to the club tomorrow evening – something I am looking forward to Greg always puts on a fantastic demonstration.


It only seems like yesterday that I was typing the last drivel I sent out, (my budgie has nearly recovered). So – Greg Moreton tomorrow, 14th May, it will be a cracking good evening I’m sure. Don’t forget the competition as well, this month the competition is for a Kitchen Utensil.


I know – it’s the 13th May (assuming I get this typed up and sent out this evening – and what chance have you got to make a Kitchen utensil out of wood in time for tomorrow’s competition? Is that the attitude that won the war – I think not. Get in the shed and turn something useful for the kitchen, a pestle and mortar, a rolling pin, some bottle stoppers, a door stopper (for the kitchen door), a coffee scoop, a cowboy hat for a cowboy cook, a fruit bowl, a trivet for a cake, a cake for the trivet, a microwave oven, the list is endless.


Also, we should not forget the Saturday workshop on 25th May – the theme is a great one for beginners – spinning tops. Some of you advanced turners will probably sneer at the very through of turning a spinning top – but it is a fantastic thing to get a beginner to do, and it’s pretty good fun for some of the intermediates and advanced turners because I will also be holding a 60 second challenge – make a top in 60 seconds ! Fancy the challenge?


Enough – I am knackered. It’s been a busy month – we did move to a new office in the end, and as predicted I now have even more boxes in the garage. The new office is nice – except for the fact that we have an endless stream of gawkers wandering in every day to see what it looks like. Sad, it has walls, windows, new desks, day-glow green carpet and stripes on the walls, and new desks. I bet we paid designers a small fortune to come up with day-glow green!


Another event – I got treated to dinner by the company, I have been there for 25 years and was awarded a slap up meal for me, my boss, his boss and 4 work-mates of my choice, plus Claire was allowed to come as well. I got other stuff as too– but the dinner was a bonus. Normally – when we get dinner paid by the company we are away in a hotel on a job. We can have a main course up to about £18 and one drink to have with our meal. Not a lot I know – but we cope.


This was different; my boss said that on this special occasion there was no reason to stick to the normal expense rules. Not a very bright thing to say in the circumstances. We had booked to go to the Red House Pub near Kintbury (I honestly do recommend it if you save up for a few weeks). Remember I was allowed to invite 4 work-mates. Jonathan Taylor was among them, nobody knows his first name is Jonathan, he is simply known as Geordie. I shall say no more – he has been with the company for 30 years and would never be described as shy or reluctant in saying what he is thinking.

The opening salvo was an email from Geordie as follows;

I need to be at the cricket club till 6.15 then Kala will give me a lift either a) to the office for 6.25 to catch the limo, or b) to the Red House directly for 6.45. Then I’ll scrounge a lift back or get a cab.

More importantly, take a look at http://www.theredhousepub.com/A_La_Carte_Menu.pdf

Nowhere can I find fish fingers, or in fact anything vaguely edible!

GT - Off to the bank now to arrange a loan.


Now – if you follow the link above you will see a lovely (genuine) menu, but I would be one of the first to admit – no fish fingers. This got me wondering. If the menu was not good enough for his delicate northern palette I wondered what he would prefer… So I downloaded it and changed it a bit and then took the menu along with us and had it handed to Geordie when we came to order. It went down quite well. See below for the ‘Northern’ version to this menu.

To cap it all, Geordie then took to ordering the wine, I never did see the bill at the end of all this, however the comment came back this week that Geordie seemed to find a bottle of Red (which was very nice) that seemed to be one of only six still in existence – I am kind of glad I didn’t see the bill! James (my boss) did however – and he had the job of getting his expenses cleared by some high powered chap in head office in America. I suspect that this was about as easy as teaching a German to say “squirrel”.


Oh well. Nearly done, Claire has now retired to bed after finally deciding which B&B we should stay at when we go to Truro in June. We are going to watch Somerset play the Unicorns (you either know or you don’t). We are members at Somerset, Claire loves cricket and is never happier that when she is watching Somerset. She has had a couple of glasses of wine this evening while searching for the perfect place to stay, she took me a little by surprise when she said “I love you so much – I don’t know how I could ever live without you” I looked at her with a smile and said “Is that you or the wine talking!” – She looked back at me and said “It’s me talking to the wine!!”


Why did I even ask? I can never win – a couple of months ago she said we should set a day aside so we can sit down and talk like adults. Yea - like that was going to happen in the middle of the conker season!


I know I am in Claire’s bad books anyway, even though I have been behaving myself, I don’t smoke any more, I hardly ever drink, but the other day she was bent over the deep freezer in one of her shorter skirts and things sort of ‘happened’ as it were.

I am the first to admit it didn’t take long. I have now decided that they won’t let me into heaven if I do that sort of thing too often, not if the reaction we got in Asda is anything to go by.


That’s it for this month – I will send out a newsletter when I get to it, meanwhile here are a couple of silly ones to finish up with:

  1. Geordie recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time

  2. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

  3. I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could help her check her balance, so I pushed her over

  4. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

  5. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy's heading for a breakdown.’ and my favourite silly one this month

  6. Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

See you soon!


Kind Regards

Phil Boulter Vice Chairman

Kenet Valley Woodturners





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