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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

16. 2nd April 2013 50 shades of old and grey

From: Boulter, Phil (DSI) Sent: 02 April 2013 08:07 Subject: 50 shades of old and grey

Hello all,

Another few weeks have flown by and we are heading into spring. Carol Kirkwood on the BBC said it was spring, and she's got a BA in commerce – (how in the hell that qualifies her know when it's spring is not obvious, and certainly we have proof that she knows nothing because it's been snowing). I bet she keeps her job though – they never did sack Michael Fish.

April is among us and and it is a members evening this month, a chance for us all to come along and play with lathes and sharp objects. If you are fairly new to members evenings you will find that we will split into teams and try to win a light hearted competition whereby each team will make one or more objects (the nature of which will be revealed by our illustrious club chairman, Ken 'versachuck' Saxton).

Also in April, there is still time for you all to prepare an entry for the monthly competition, this month it is a natural edged bowl or vase. Those of you who came to the last Saturday workshop will have had a little natural edge tuition or practice. Also, if you were at that same Saturday workshop you may well now be immortalised in celluloid because we were joined by the Thatcham Photographic club. (Nigel Amor and Tony Harvey as still showing signs of the fake tan they applied for the occasion.

I am particularly glad they joined us because the splendid photograph they took of me has now been put in the contact section of the web-site, and it looks so much more realistic than the last one.

Actually it was when I was on my way home from the last Saturday session when I was walking past the local 'special' hospital,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'

You will all be aware of my constant struggles to be appreciated at home, Claire – my latest wife, was on the grumble again so I thought I would have to find a way to cheer her up. I booked a table for two last night at 8 pm. By 9 pm things were 10 times worse, how was I to know she didn't like snooker…

Claire and I went to Taunton yesterday to watch the cricket, we saw a friend of ours, Spanish Sid. Sid was a little unhappy, he works for the Samaritans. He tried to call in sick last Thursday morning but the rotten sod's talked him out of it…

One last note – we a lot of people last month who paid their subscriptions for the coming year – but we also have a lot of people who still have to pay. So, please bear in mind when you come to the members evening – which will of course be really good this month, that for some of you – your subs are due!

…and finally.

I have been married for many years, I was lying in bed last week with Claire when she felt me begin to touch her in ways I hadn't in quite some time. She later told me that it almost tickled as my fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. I then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked my hand down, stopping just over her lower stomach. I then proceeded to place my hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passed gently over her bum cheek and down her leg to her calf. Then, I proceeded up again, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. I continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. She had become quite pleased with the attention and asked in a low voice, 'That was nice. Why did you stop?'

I said, 'I found the remote'.

See you all on the 9th April everyone – I hope you had a great Easter Weekend

Kind Regards

Phil Boulter

Vice Chairman


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