I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

10. Turn it up Pal - April 2014

From: Boulter, Phil (DSI) Sent: 03 April 2014 21:29 Subject: "Turn it up pal" Hello wood turning pals. Me again. This is your monthly drivel, the chance you all get to say "Oh no it's him again - what's he on about this month?" Well, you may recall my innovative email last month where I gave you some hyperlinks to videos about wood turning in order to both educate and entertain you. I had a similar thought this month, perhaps linked to the egg and eggcup theme. So I had a little look round. Look at what I found at the bottom of this email, but first let us address the regular issues... Firstly - Nigel has done a quick news sheet for April and May. Nigel is a top man producing these every month, and he sent me this one on 20th March for me to forward with the April and May activities on it, sadly I got a bit behind this month and am only just sending it out. Shame really because it advertises the workshop on Saturday the 22nd March when we did eggs and egg-cups. So I write here to apologise for my tardiness, but also to ask why T.F. I am foolish enough to put a march event on the April/May newsletter? Of course it may have something to do with all-fools day... We meet again on 8th April when we have a rare members evening - so all hands to the pump, we will have as many lathes available as we can manage and split into teams to make candlesticks. I know - it's exciting - but contain yourselves - this will prepare you for the candlestick competition in May. We don't just throw this lot together you know. I hope you have your eggs and egg-cups ready for April 8th. I know what mine will look like - I just have not had time to make it yet. If I do - it will win the intermediate section - you have been warned. I missed the committee meeting this month because I was working in Anglesey so I don't have a clue what theme of the next Saturday workshop is. Until I find out let's just assume we are going to show beginners how to turn a Liquid-Metal Fast-Breeder Nuclear Reactor using only a skew chisel and two pieces of box-wood. (We suggest that as well as goggles you also bring along an grade 3 Anti-radiation suit and white wellies) If I am wrong I will ask for a correction to be posted on the club web-site www.kvwt.co.uk<http://www.kvwt.co.uk> [Ed. Just checked - Saturday 26th April is small bowl for that smelly Pot Pourri stuff. That is only slightly less dangerous and smelly that processed uranium 34 so perhaps a protective suit is still worthwhile?] I enjoy Saturday workshops very much indeed. Frankly my work load at the moment means it is actually the only time I ever get to put a chisel in my hand. I have a great idea for the egg and egg-cup competition as I mentioned above, and while I know it will look good (I am not giving my ideas away at this point) - I am just hoping I find the time to actually do it. If you check out the web-site you will also see that we are giving a demonstration at Axminster Tools in Basingstoke on Saturday 3rd May. Not bad huh! Hopefully this will pop up on their web site as well shortly and should generate extra business for them as well and a few new members for us with a little luck. In any case it gets KVWT in a good light with Axminster which is never a bad thing. All very exciting so far, but it gets better. Tuesday 13th May we get a full evening of Mark Sanger! Where are my blood pressure pills? Have a look at his web site on http://www.marksanger.co.uk/index.html to get a look at the wonderful things he is responsible for creating. I am seriously looking forward to seeing what little gem he is going to create for during this visit. That is pretty much it for now, I have stored a few bits and pieces away for this month, and the notes below on the video I have just pasted in after going through it about a week ago. ...but first. Kate, one of the girls in the office asked me if I would be willing to run in a marathon in November. I said "you are seriously having a laugh, 26 miles for a man in my condition - really?" She said it was for people who had lost the use of their legs, I thought "hang on - I might stand a chance of winning that one!" My mate Keith was caught being somewhat "personal" with his lady friend hidden under Beechers Brook during the grand national! He had his day in court and asked for 17 other fences to be taken into consideration. Keith is not altogether with it. He rang the vet at 4.00am the other morning - He said you have to come out quickly, my dog has just swallowed a condom. The Vet said "OK - don't panic - but whatever you do don't let him move or wag his tail." Keith said "OK - I'll try but it might be difficult as he's a big dog so you'll have to come quickly". Poor Keith. 5 minutes later he rang the vat back again, the phone was answered - and Keith said "Hello - I rang about 5 minutes ago about the dog who swallowed the condom, I just rang back to say don't worry now - my girlfriend found another one in the drawer." Keiths sister Stacey has a glass eye, she is a bit of a stunner to be fair. Long legs, blonde hair and a look that makes you want to weep. Stacey walked into the pub on Friday and her glass eye jumped out and bounced down the bar and Derek grabbed it before it hit the floor. I know Derek - he is the wicket keeper for Thatcham Veterans Second Eleven. Not god's gift to women - but nice guy. Stacey said thank you very much, I feel so embarrassed. Derek said don't worry when you look like that you have no need to feel embarrassed. She said would you like a drink, Derek said yes - OK. Have you eaten she said - well no said Derek, Well let's go out for a meal she said. Anyway, they ended up back at her flat and the next morning Derek said Wow - do you treat all men like this? No she said - but you just happened to catch my eye! Ken (no relation) went to the doctor for a check-up. He is 91 is old Ken. The doctor said "what's new Ken"? Ken said "I'm getting married again, to a 19 year old blonde". The doctor said "Ken - you are 91 for goodness sake - it'll kill you!". Ken wouldn't listen, the Doctor said "at least do me one favour Ken - get a lodger". "OK" said Ken. A couple of months later Ken sees the doctor in the supermarket. The doctor says "How are you Ken, and how is your young wife?" - Oh says Ken - "she's good - she's pregnant". The doctor - while surprised - now followed up "..and how is your lodger?" he asked Ken. Ken said "Oh - she's pregnant too!" Enough - have a good month - and perhaps have a giggle with me below... My son is an actor. Robert Boulter - look him up, I am proud of him, of course I am he's good, very good. The fact is, when I see him on the screen, TV or stage, he knows what he is doing, seems relaxed - and not out of place. He has a head start to be fair, he is a professional, it's what he does. He is also my son - so he is bound to be brilliant. The total opposite applies to what you are about to see. I present - the Geeks Eggcup - "The Directors Cut". Click on the underlined link here --> Here it is - but don't click on it yet....<http://youtu.be/JKmOHBPkyL0> To be fair - it is not a great start. Jim Jakosh and Lis Bokt. I had a look at our membership list just a moment ago, we have one or two unusual names - but a potential double act of Jakosh and Bokt? Really? Anyway - lets get started. Jim's opening sentence is aimed at Australian audience with a "Good'day mates" - in an American accent, he is not even trying! Lis finds it funny. (easily impressed then!). To be honest - Lis is not buying into this whole video thing. She spends the first few seconds looking at Jims eye's thinking something like "I can't remember - am I getting paid for this?" She is not altogether sure about it, and can't quite decide where to put her hands. Nonetheless she decides to show that she is part of a team, and no fool either! Her opening line is "An egg cup is like what you use to eat an egg right?". (Actually no love - you are thinking of a spoon, but let's move on). This is not going too well yet, but there is time - it could get better. Now - my old mother used to say to me - a day is not wasted if you learn something new every day. Here we go, according to Jim, a soft boiled egg is a delicacy in Sweden and Denmark. Wow. It must be all that snow. Why was there never an Abba song about soft boiled eggs? We now move into a phase where Jim tells us he measured 100 eggs in order to get an average size. OK. Lis is looking at Jim at this point, look at her eyes, she is thinking, "Jim - that egg got laid, but you sure as hell are not going to" ...but I digress. Jim now starts to explain ti Lis how he has prepared the blank. He has drilled a 3/16" hole to take his live centre (drilled to 3/8" depth) and marked the centre of the other end so that he can mount it on his lathe nice and snug and.... Whoa! - rewind. He drilled a 3/16" hole for his drive centre. Is this guy for real. How long does it take him to make one of these things. He must have spend half an hour preparing the blank? "If I ever have to take this thin out and put it back in I know it will fit just right and not wobble on me" Jim - it's an egg cup for goodness sake - how many times are you going to take it on an off your bloomin lathe - we haven't got time for all of this - we want to get to the bit where we see how the Swedes eat their eggs - get a move on man!" After using a mallet to take his chuck off. And a mallet to put his blank onto the drive centre (no point in damaging that 3/16" by 3/8" hole by treating it gently is there Jim!) - he now rounds it out with his bowl gouge. (He has a special mounting for his mallet - I bet he made it himself - I think it has a 3/16" hole in one end) Those eagle eyed ones among you will have spotted that he points to the tailstock end and says "I was going to put a tenon on the bottom side, but instead I am going to put it on the top side" - and points to the tailstock end again. Am I being picky - hell - we are 4 minutes in and have 43 minutes to go, I'm just getting started! His justification - while pointing to the headstock end is "plus the hole is deeper in that end". Of course it is - you drilled it 3/16" deep and then hit seven bells out of it with a bloody great mallet!!!! Next we are introduced to his patented "Go / no-go" gauge. (Is there a dragon in the house? - we just want Deborah Meedon to say "I'm out") Notice how carefully he measured the tenon with his go/no-go gauge. Blink and you will miss it. All that build up and he just flashes past it's moment of glory. But wait - we now have an 8 degree by 7/16" tenon gauge. This man could even teach Harvey a thing or two about how to fully stock a workshop! I have to take a break to have a cup of tea - I am getting overexcited with such a plethora of mechanical quality assurance wizardry. How does this man find time to turn egg cups for goodness sake! If you thought his mallet was big - wait until you see his headstock knockout bar - I wonder if he is inadequate in other areas? Next - out with the mallet and on with the check. Jim casually tells us his egg cup is going to be "about" 2-1/16" inches at the top and 1-7/8" at the bottom. Nice one Jim - we hate artistic licence! No point in buying callipers and never using them is there, goodness knows you like to get your money's worth out of that bloody mallet. We are now told that typically 1 and 1/16" deep. He makes hundreds of these things - why does he have to look that up? Is he fibbing? Not only that - how to the chickens know what size to lay these eggs? Why can't Americans say "Bedan" Patent number three comes out now - it's go/no-go time for the inside fo the egg cup. I'm amazed this man had time to ask Lis to come and see his tools. There is no law about how to use your chisels, and I am sure he is a better wood-turner then me (and he has Lis) - but I am wondering though why he bothers with a bevel on his bowl gouge? Are you still with me? At about 15-and-a-bit minutes in we see the benefits of not using a bevel on a tool to get a smooth finish. And we get yet another patented egg-cup making tool that will give him a uniform outside shape. Heck - why use your imagination - what is quality assurance all about if it ignores standards!! At 16 minutes and 12 seconds Jim comes up with the line "The rest of this is up to me - I can do it whatever shape I want to make it" Has Jim suddenly lost the plot? Are you mad? Have you forgotten 3/16" by 3/8" hole. What about your go/no-go love affair. Does 2&1/16" mean nothing all of a sudden. I think he has lost the plot. Is this hussy Lis proving to be a bad influence I wonder ? Tool alert ! - a homemade round nose scraper. What a thing of beauty. Now I know why Lis is here. Jim continues to use his bowl gouge is a very odd way, then stops the lathe and points out that the rough finish is due to the wood being very dry. I must remember that one. As Jim says - "I will get rid of that with sandpaper" - what's the point in wearing your bevel out when you have sandpaper eh Jim. "This is abranet 80 grit" Jim drawls, "Typically I like to start with 150 grit" he goes on. OK Jim - we believe you - as long as you have Lis fooled you are in with a chance. At 29 minutes we have another special from Jim - a jam check to allow him to do the bottom of the cup. What a man! I'll be honest - I passed out until about 39 minutes when he finished. At 39 minutes and 4 seconds comes the quote of the video. Lis says "...and that was pretty quick". That woman has been spoilt that's for sure. To top it off Jim looks at her, and seductively says - do you want to see me turn a mushroom. I just hope he keeps one foot on the floor!

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