So WTF do I do now? Friday afternoon (yesterday) and women were all over me, (nothing new there obviously ) and today I find myself opening presents and cards and having a few extra minutes on my hands - why? I'll tell you why - because I don't have to hoover the car until Monday, the haircut can wait until Tuesday and perhaps go and see my mate Martin Saban-Smith on Thursday (assuming I get up in time)
My alarm clock is now on E-bay and my blue shirts and white shirts bagged up ready for the charity shop.
I might have a nap in a minute.
...or a cup of tea and a biscuit.
I am up to page 15 in a book called Small Pleasures Zoe bought me as a gift yesterday. No - it is not smutty (which frankly is very unlike Zoe) but full of the small incidental things that we overlook, but which are in fact small pleasures. Thank you Zoe.
After dinner with friends on Thursday, and listening to tales from Mi - hang on a minute - lets call here "M" for the sake of this story, I am thinking of investing in a window cleaners ladder. Apparently if you try hard enough, and wait long enough, and rub the corner of the window busily enough A Lady will throw open the curtains and "accidentally" drop her towel to the floor. Sadly, she is too far away from the duvet to grab it and cover up her ample embarrassments, and besides - why rush things? (I am pretty sure that is how she explained it.)
I am not good at windows though.
However - it seems that Sven, her landscape gardener
[ed. Stop here!!!] Lets us examine the word landscape, lets spend a moment or two chewing on a thoughtful nail, or sucking on a pensive pencil, and appreciate the word "Landscape". I am drawn to the idea of sweeping vistas. I am led to imagine hills and valleys, beautiful waterfalls or carefully tended lawns which meander between wild flowers and neat rows of annual flowers. Do you have that vision now? Can you picture the scene in your inner mind dear reader? - good, so now consider M's "New-build" house - with a garden that could be covered and protected by the worst frost that nature can throw at it by a large gentleman's pocket handkerchief. (and "M" is not dismissive of a well endowed gentlemen if you catch my drift). Now lets go back to the previous phrase - do you remember - "M" has a landscape gardener! A decent sized garden is for men of course, so why does she get Sven to come round and attend to her lady-garden?
Is it because of her massive escarpments (ooh err Mrs!)
Perhaps her well trimmed bush?
An attractive Clematis?
..or could it be the topless Landscape Gardener - Sven, stripped to the waist, sweating and tending over 4 square feet of artificial lawn?
I am starting to wonder if "M" is not averse to meeting a new man.
Why, otherwise, would she go the local garage to see if that nice mechanical-chap can pump up her tyres. (again.... Like he did yesterday)
Is that the reason that, having been stuck on the M5, stationery, for too long waiting for the motorway to re-open, she ended up chatting to the man in the nice new Range Rover behind her. An hour and a half she chatted - even though it only took 30 minutes to open the Motorway.
No - I am being too suspicious...
and in case you are wondering - I had a biscuit - and a nap.