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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

55 KVWT Wet and Windy - and so is the weather - 9 Mar 19

Updated: Mar 10, 2019

Sporadic – that’s what these messages have become, Sporadic.

Sporadic it a word literally taken from your actual Latin “Sproradus” which means occasional. I think it is meant to describe a table – but what the heck.

It is currently Saturday ( at least it is as I begin to type this rubbish) and I am recently back from having coffee with Symptom-Ian (see here for why he is so called) and have just tucked the bike away for the rest of the day, on account of Rugby coming on shortly, and then myself and my good lady are off to a big band night somewhere in darkest Oxfordshire.

Symptom-Ian was off shopping after I left him at the coffee shop – I know this because he proudly showed me his shopping list. This was a man’s shopping list – you can tell.

Regard ;


Toilet Rolls




I suggest that some people would have added a modicum of detail to the latter brace of requirements – but Ian seems to manage? He always seems to have an emergency-pastie in the fridge.

Ian bought an Iron yesterday. That was a challenge, but he found one which was pointy enough at one end and light enough to be useful on hand-to-hand combat, so away he went with a rare smile on his face. This morning I asked him whether he had used it yet – expecting the answer no – however I was surprised to hear that he had used it already and enjoyed a small measure of success.

He mused over this with a lovely lady who was sat with us at the coffee shop, she having just described how she had nursed her first-born back into consciousness after he had a rough night out and poured himself back home and onto the sofa at 3.00pm this morning. She had guided him to his room with a fresh cheese and ham toastie and a pint of water and 2 aspirins and orders not to surface until after 5pm. Picture if you will how Ian now started to describe how to use an iron to this domestic goddess – who patiently sat and listened to his diatribe with amused eyes while I collapsed in laughter.

“It has a dial on it you see – and it turns around to change the settings, and you put water in the top and when you set it down and press a button it showers the room with a burst of steam!” She was gracious enough *not* to point out that she was well qualified in the use, operation and various settings of a steam iron and having one described by Ian was close to being entirely unnecessary. Still, it passed the time. I must admit I tuned-out when he started to describe the “pointy end” and the holes in the base-plate.

Anyway – this is not getting the information across, not passing on the wood-turning type information that I know you crave and search for in each of these missives. So – what do we have this time around. Not that much really.

That said – I absolutely must thank you for so many of you for turning up at the AGM. It was heart-warming for the committee (and I hope for you) to see how many people came out to what is traditionally not the brightest star in our monthly firmament. We generated good discussion, interesting points of view and even managed to get an extra committee member which is always a good thing, as the club does depend quite highly on the committee and also (and even especially) the members that regularly roll up their sleeves and serve in many other helpful roles to keep the monthly meetings running smoothly. You know who you are!!!

I have already pointed out the fact that we are enjoying a visit from John Plater this month – in just a few days time in fact. See the diary page on our web-site for details. I am looking forward to this as I need to get my mojo back, it is still missing, last seen languishing lazily in the garage behind a pile of mountain ash which is still drying. Tuesday 12th March 2019 – John Plater – it is only a few days time – be there and enjoy a new face!!

Then we get our Saturday workshop on Saturday 23rd March where we will be looking to make mallets. This is to allow some insight for the competition in April – which is (you may have guessed this already) Mallets! If you are a beginner this is a particularly good chance to spend time with other members and get coaching / tips / advice / fresh jokes.

I want to include a small report on the sale at Linda Fowlers which took place last week – I will admit I am glad it is now done, what a lovely lady – she was a pleasure to deal with and pretty much let us organise it with very little interference.

Some of you may recall that Denis Winter is away – trying to avoid the worst vicissitudes of our winter weather. You may be interested in an email I received from him only last week.

Hi Phil,

Have managed to get a reasonable satellite link to the tinternet from a few thousand miles out in the Pacific here in Micronesia. Just wondering whether Anneli is operating the website ok for you all? I have just been able to download some of your club emails and it seems like you have exciting changes in progress.

The local entertainment here seems to have degenerated from topless lovelies in grass skirts, to big black men in grass skirts! More like Birmingham on a Saturday night.

C’est la vie.


While it was nice to hear from him on a dark and windy (not to say cold and wet) night – the thought of topless lovelies in grass skirts did raise the blood pressure slightly. I made it my job to reply to him and put his mind at ease, so that he does not worry while he is so far away in the southern hemisphere.

I replied thus;

You old sea-dog you. I am so pleased you are having a good time - we are missing you a lot (it says on my piece of paper). Tony tells me he is hearing from you as well, at least I think that's what he said - it was very noisy in that strip club and hard to make out everything he said.

I drove past your house the other day - everything is OK there now that the fire is finally out. The chief fire officer said it was good training and at least it scared the burglars off before they stole too much.

Apparently your automatic lawn mower is working well, last seen headed up Hungerford High Street doing a decent speed.

Our weather has been both freezing and warm in equal measure - we are now heading for wet. Enjoy yourself and try not to worry too much - the tarpaulins will keep the remainder of the house reasonably dry.


Phil Boulter

I sent the email just before I went to the Doctor. He gave me my annual check-up last Wednesday. He told me I have the body of an 18 year old, but I should return it as I have stretched it completely out of shape.

Where was I – oh yes, Linda’s. The sale was busy – I made the foolish mistake of saying “Get there early” instead of “get there prompt at 2:30” I arrived at 2.00pm with a view to laying out all the tools before people arrived only to find half the membership of the club queueing in the street. We had to get about 30 people into a workshop intended for one person. Let’s just say it was cosy and leave it at that. We purloined a dice from Linda to help us to select who was to get items where there was more than one person interested, and let mayhem commence. It was pretty much all done and dusted by 4pm and only the trolley and a few well worn chisels were left. It do have to say thank you to everyone for their patience in the mayhem, and in fact for turning up in the first place. It went well. As I sit and write this we have the big Axminster lathe still to collect – and the table, so we are nearly finished.

Although fun in parts to organise – it did take a bit of tidying and sorting – so I am quietly pleased to see the back of it. I am however not happy that I did not do the same thing for Owen, and I must ring him to see if there are still items he has for sale and perhaps discuss whether he still wants to sell items in his workshop.

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?

A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

I saw this yesterday….

I must get on, the rugby starts shortly….

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