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I write occasional daft emails to fellow members of my woodturning club.  As we get new members, some of them are stupid enough to ask me for some of the older emails.  As time passes and the read them, they will learn never to ask again - but meanwhile I have to dig into my email archives and find old items and then send them one by one to the unlucky recipients.

You would think they would find more useful things to do with their lives than read the sad wittering's of this old fool and try to make something of their lives - but no!  Any that appear here will do so in reverse order, there are many reasons for this, but logic is the main driver.  If there is one thing I have - it is logic.  Not much else to be fair - but I do have logic.

I have only recently worked out how to put the pictures in, so many are still missing.  I will continue to work on it.

14 KVWT news (Scotland seems possibly like Robert the Spruce) 21 Sept 2014

Updated: May 20, 2018

From: Boulter, Phil (DSI) Sent: 21 September 2014 23:51 Subject: KVWT News. (Scotland seems poplar - like Robert the Spruce)

See what I did there – still managed a pun based title (a double pun even!), and got Scotland in as well! (Apparently if they had won the referendum the government said they couldn’t keep the pound. I knew money was tight up there – but bloody hell!)

I’m wasted writing this rubbish

So here we go again, more news from your loving committee. It’s September – the leaves are turning and the nights are drawing in. Soon it will be too cold to go out in the garden and you will simply have to turn some wood to get enough shavings to throw onto the fire. I hope you enjoyed Tony Halcrow this month – what a great turner and first class entertainment! I was going to say words fail me, but apparently they rarely do. Thank you Tony – please come back again.

So what do we have this month? Before I forget – we will discuss the following.

· The annual Xmas Party

· News on the hall at Padworth

· Help needed at Thatcham

· Am I going on holiday this year, and do you care

· The next Saturday workshop

· The next members evening

· The November meeting

· Facebook

· The solution to the issue of World Peace

I think that about covers it. Ready steady go…..

During the committee meeting this week, in a rare moment when we were all awake, we discussed the arrangements for this year’s annual party. It will be Held on Thursday 17th December – and it will be at a new venue – Woolhampton Village Hall. The place itself is, frankly, too posh for us. I did complain and asked for somewhere a bit more ‘spit and sawdust’ – but I was over-ruled as usual and the venue stands. If you have not been to one of our annual end of year events before you will be unaware of the arrangements.

Basically we try to have a social get together, with food and drink, and hopefully a bit of a giggle. The invitation is to all members and their partners, with a hope that we can all socialise and our partners get to meet other people from the club and hopefully enjoy some good company. We hand out our cups and wards for the year, and we all compete for the Reg Bailey cup by entering what we think is one of our best pieces. I shall deal with the subject of the Reg Baily Cup next month, but you should be aware that it is open to members of all levels, NOT just advanced turners. We will split into teams and have a quiz during the evening – hopefully pitched at about the right level for all of us to enjoy.

So – the question is – will you be coming? If we remember we will ask you at the door at the next 2 meetings, the reason we want to know this is that we will be doing hot meals for everyone and need to know how many people we need to cater for. Please feel free to reply to me and let me know if you wish to attend, and also if you will be bringing a partner as a guest. As I said – it’s a numbers thing and it would help us to know how many gourmet pot noodles to buy. We will hold the event at a different place – more room, better kitchen and very very good access – Woolhampton Village Hall. More about that next month. The annual Xmas Party – tick.

Now, news on the Padworth Village Hall. Various members of the committee attended the opening evening of the Padworth Village Hall on Friday 19th September. Personally I was surprised and pleased to see it was a busy event and there were plenty of people there. The new roof and ceiling are quite a sight and hopefully (especially during the colder months) it will be a much warmer place. New doors and windows as well help to make it a much brighter place and it will be good to get back there. All that being said, I continue to write this on Saturday 20th September and I know the bridge is being closed today until the end of March next year. The committee therefore had a decision to make, do we return to the hall now, or wait until March/April next year.

With Due consideration, we decided that the dark evenings and potential for poor road conditions make the detour and uninviting thing, with the possibility of road closures if there is bad snow or ice. It is for this reason that we have decided to stay at Brimpton until the Bridge re-opens. We have advised the Padworth hall team that we will be back in April on a permanent basis. I for one cannot wait – but I know it is the right thing to do. News on the Hall at Padworth – tick.

…by the way, Sean Connery said that if Scotland ever got independence from England he would move back to Scotland to live from his home in Barbados. He must have been wetting himself with worry this week!

Help needed at Thatcham!!

Most of you will know that we display at the Thatcham Festival of Arts and Leisure each October. We shall be doing so again this year, and if the weather holds off – which it normally does, I am sure we will have a good time again like we normally do. This year we do need help as a couple of committee members are unable to make it for this weekend. The help we need is partly in manning the stand during the day, but importantly also in setting up and breaking down the display at the start and end of the day. We can start to setup from 8.30am and the event finishes at about 3.30pm. We will be turning all day, and talking to the public generally about woodturning, the club, what we do, and how fantastic I am. The remaining members of the committee will be working hard at making this a success as usual, but help would be very much appreciated from anyone who would be willing to come along and lend a hand. Please let me know if you are willing or able to lend a helping hand on Saturday 11th October. Thatcham show – tick.

Saw this on Twitter on Thursday evening, thought it was really funny!

Am I having a holiday this year?

The boss (I let her think so) tells me she is not fussed about a holiday this year. Time is running out, it’s late September and warm days and nights are pretty much gone until next year – so if we do have a break it will have to be abroad. With JF. (Johnny Foreigner). Don’t get me wrong, some of them are very nice, but they don’t speak English, goodness some of them don’t even try! Try and buy Baxters Cream of Mushroom Soup and a decent cut loaf of Mothers Pride in Rhodes and you will be sadly disappointed, and don’t get me started on Marmite. Imagine – they claim Greece is the root of all civilisation! Try telling that to my wife when she wants a Jaffa cake.

So – undecided. Do we stay at home and “do jobs”? What does that mean, “Do jobs”? It is code, code for “I have prepared a list of things for you to do that you always claim not to have time to do because you are busy at work or shopping or etc.etc.etc. My darling wife (I worship the earth she walks upon) has thoughtfully and lovingly prepared a short list of 153 items she thinks I am keen and eager to do. Naturally she is wrong, I don’t tell her that of course because it would shatter the illusion that I run and cater for her every whim. A tricky illusion to maintain a times – but I manage. Apparently she has to write these things down because she said I never listen to her. (I think that’s what she said)

I do know I have to clear the rubbish accumulated in the garage because we now have nowhere to put the rubbish we want to accumulate. I am not a hoarder, I would gladly put a skip on the driveway and fill it up with things we never use. My philosophy is simple – if we have not looked at it or thought about it for 12 months, we do not need it. IT should go to the tip, or charity shop, eBay, small ads, anywhere but the garage. OK – lets be fair minded about this, there will of course be exceptions. I shall list them to show you I am not an unemotional person.

Tools – we always need tools.

Wood – not matter how small pieces of wood are a treasure.

Empty jars – we need empty jars in case we need to store some screws or nails in them

Half a pair of gardening gloves. Face it, the other one will turn up, it’s just a matter of time.

Other bits of wood, the bits I bought from Brian Collins, there was a reason, it will come back to me

Spare lawnmower. If the petrol mower breaks down then I can use the electric one if it takes me more than a week to but a new and more powerful petrol one.

Wires. You can never have enough wires.

Beer Fridge. Clearly this is not included, we must have cold beer.

Wet wood, it needs a place to dry out.

Old battery powered drill. Yes – I have got a new one – it was in a sale – I had to get it, but the old one is there in case I can’t find the new one. Obviously it doesn’t work anymore, but it is in a nice box.


The bicycle I bought to keep fit, which is behind the one we bought for Claire to keep fit. She has only used it once and it is in front of mine – which means I can’t use mine!


Old three pin plugs

A bag of (hard) plaster

A bag of (hard) cement

Paint Tins, full, half-full and almost empty

34 paint brushes


Miscellaneous power tools for the garden and hedges

Plastic bags to take pieces of the garden to the tip when it gets too big

Large (empty) Roses and Quality Street tins, because they are handy to store things in. Should get a few more this December.

Large Lathe

Small Lathe


Pillar Drill


Half turned projects that went wrong

Boxes of projects that didn’t but are awful

Pen blanks

Wood for pen blanks

Kits for pen blanks

Wood to take to the club on Saturday workshops

Cat food.

Some clothes Claire doesn’t wear any more

I am petitioning here for some degree of sympathy, I have asked Claire time and time again to try to make me some room by sorting out those old clothes. I may as well be speaking in a foreign language.

Perhaps during our “staycation” this year we can find somewhere to put the cat food as well. I must go to Thomsons and get handful of holiday brochures and leave them laying around the house. There is always Florida? They speak a version of English there, and whenever I go there, even I sound intelligent.

The next Saturday workshop – it is on Saturday 27th September and the subject is small platters and decoration (and texturing). It is at Brimpton and is back to the afternoon again between 1pm and 4pm Saturday workshop – tick – (we are getting through it at a running pace now!)

The October (14th October) meeting is a members evening and will be dealing with teams making mushrooms, toadstools and other similar forms. As usual we will split up and form a team on each of our lathes in order to compete with the other teams to make the most, the best, the finest and the best looking specimens. We will nominate an impartial judge to watch each team throughout the evening before awarding the first prize to my team. Remember – 14th October – I have a feeling we are going to have a fun evening

As for November – we get Mark Baker back among us again, so something really good to look forward to there. More next time.

What’s left – Facebook. I am wondering about trying to get anyone interested in a KVWT group on Facebook (or facepaint as I call it) I have put one together to see if there is any interest. Not just limited to you – the members – but to anyone else who wants to join in. If you are interested it is here -

This will be very much secondary to our main web site which will always be more up to date and fully informative. I see a facepaint group as being somewhere that you can offer your own opinions and share with others. If it’s not for you then fair enough – don’t worry about it.

Just to stop the complaints – here are a couple of parting shots…..

A guy walks into a bar in Australia and orders a white wine . Everybody sitting around looks up , expecting to see some pitiful pommie. The bartender looks up and says,"You ain't from round here are ya mate??? "

The guy says, "I'm from Newbury in England." The bartender says, “What the heck do you do in Newbury?"

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist." The bartender asks "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, “I stuff and mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar ,"It's okay boys , he's one of us!"


And finally – a little naughty, but – these are from Junior school children writing about the sea…

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7).

See you at the workshop next Saturday!! Don’t forget to let me know about December – or let me know if you don’t want to receive this drivel.

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